At some point early on, the notion formed that I had to do something meaningful in my life, something BIG; I couldn’t just be. Later, I reformed the notion from having to do something meaningful, to wanting to do something meaningful. As time progressed, the notion fell further and further behind, buried somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind.
I haven’t given much thought to mortality for quite some time. In my twenties I had a dream in which I died, and it was all so clear and unterrifying. From that point on, I no longer feared my own death. Nor did I think of it (not that I’d given my demise that much thought prior to the awakening). That is, until I became a mother.
Suddenly, I am keenly aware of my mortality. I have children to raise, and I want to see them to adulthood. The recent loss of a dear friend amplifies the awareness further still. In less than two months, she went from the vibrant friend I’ve known for the past twenty years to a memory. Cancer exposed its ugly face and devoured her, and just like that, she is gone.
I’m very goal oriented, so I tend to focus on the destination more than the journey. Even in the most literal sense, as a traveler, I’m the one saying, “Are we there yet?” rather than, “Hey! Look at that!!” Thus far, I’m not very good at the journey. My life has been a series of goals; it’s how I survive. Get a job, get a home, get a car, get out of debt. Those are the easy goals. Those are the goals over which I have control. Then there are the personal goals. Find true love. Build a family. Live happily ever after. Find inner peace. Live a meaningful life. These are the goals that challenge me, because these goals require me to focus on the journey. I need to learn to enjoy the journey. I need to just be (to the best of my ability). I need to convince myself that it’s okay to just be. It’s okay. I don’t need or have to do anything big.
It’s all about the journey. I already know that’s the answer. Somebody with far more wisdom than I have already went through the effort to find that. Live joyfully. Go thy way, eat thy bread with joy, and drink thy wine with a merry heart. Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might.
New goal. In the morning, when I rise, I shall ask myself, “How are you going to love today?” and in the evening before I sleep, I shall ask myself, “What did you love today?” In so doing, I live a meaningful life.
