I’m enjoying one of those rare moments in which I can sit by myself in the early afternoon sunshine, and let various thoughts drift back and forth through my mind. It’s warm and there is the slightest breeze. My furry cat girl has joined me on the swing that I placed in the middle of the pasture. There is a chipmunk making the strangest sounds, flitting about a very tall tree trunk. I thought it was a bird chirping, but no, it’s a chipmunk. Maybe it’s a youngster and it’s stuck, or lost. It’s a very tall tree, and the branches don’t begin for quite some time. The cat and I gently rock back and forth and look at the alpacas. I love my alpaca girls. (I have five of them. I will write about them one of these days…)
Solitude is so rare for me, and so very valuable! I take a mental inventory of the hundreds of things I could or should do. I categorize things into those things that can be accomplished with others around, and things that can only be done when I’m alone. I have to make the most of these few moments. I make mental plans to take some vacation time so that I can work through some of the things that would help bring more order to my chaotic world. But for now, I have two hours. How will I spend them?
I spend them breathing. I make myself a cup of tea. I decide to write. Writing is such a joy for me. It helps me collect and better understand my thoughts and feelings. It helps me regroup.
A word, a feeling, makes its way to the forefront of my mind. Freedom. There is freedom within. There is freedom without. Catch the deluge in a paper cup. Moments like this are so rare for me. I ponder the meaning and feeling of freedom. It’s a wonderful feeling. I can breathe. The cares of the world aren’t with me, in this particular moment. I am free from the burden of broken hearts. A peacefulness drifts in and around me, and I immerse myself in the bliss.
I find myself wondering if it is possible to experience this feeling of freedom with others around. More specifically, in a relationship. It seems that so many people don’t understand the necessity for solitude. It’s not a necessity for everyone, but it is for me. Would it or could it be possible to live with someone and still feel or be free?
A counselor once showed me a simple Venn diagram about relating to people, and what constitutes healthy versus unhealthy overlap. I think, for me, the overlapping area in an ideal relationship is fairly small. I know, if I consider my closest relationships in life, such as with my sisters and closest friends, the overlapping area is very small.
I wonder about the attributes and characteristics of Mister RightForMe, if such a man exists. But thoughts along those lines tend to take me down a path that brings back to mind thoughts and memories of attempted relationships and those types of thoughts start to crowd out the momentary bliss that I’m trying to savor. I don’t want to acknowledge or accept the burden of broken hearts right now. Not in these last few moments, before I have to jump back into action, and dive back into my normal life.
In these last few moments, I’m just going to be still, breathe, and rejoice in the beautiful life that I am privileged to live. Sueeeus Maximus. Mother, sister, friend, working fool.