November 1st, 2007 | 2 Comments »

It feels good to feel good.  But I am discovering that it’s not all smooth sailing, navigating this slippery slope of mood stabilization.  It’s been about 4 weeks now, and I’ve begun noticing tightness in my jaw, as though I’m unconsciously clenching it, all day long.  It’s a bit unnerving.  It’s like a displaced anxiety.  Take it away from one place and it pops out another.  I don’t like it. 

A cursory Google search yields numerous accounts of jaw clenching as a side-effect of SSRIs and SNRIs.  Even more alarming are the scattered accounts of tics and twitches that may in some cases become permanent.  It frightens me.

I was told it takes 4-6 weeks to realize the full benefit of this medication, so I think I will continue with it this month.  If the jaw tightness remains, I think I will refill one more month on the prescription and use it to gradually taper off.  Because I’ve also read that side-effects from discontinuation are unpleasant.

I wonder if having this reminder of what it feels like to feel good will act as a neural reference point, and help me to attain that frame of mind without brain chemical interference.  I hope so.  I’m somewhat torn.  I want to continue feeling bright and good, but this involuntary jaw clenching has got to go.  It’s mere presence causes anxiety, which defeats the purpose of the medication.

It just feels so good to feel good.  I wish it didn’t come at this price.

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October 31st, 2007 | No Comments »

It’s an excellent day. It all began last night when the satellite couldn’t capture the signal. No point in trying to watch House. So off to bed by 9:30 p.m., and, surprisingly, no struggles from the nearly three year old. Woot! A good night’s sleep. Up at 5:30 a.m. Poor little guy was having a bad dream. A slug on his pillow. Too scary. I let him crawl into bed with me and snuggled him back to sleep. He’s the sweetest little thing. I could have stayed in bed, but decided to seize the day instead. I had a full hour to get ready, so indulged in a cappuccino and went about donning my carefully constructed costume, all the while smiling at how pleased my beautiful boo boy would be when he learned he could be Superman all day long. What a wonderful start. And when we got to daycare, who was there? Peter Pan. And tonight? His cousins will be here, and then we will all go trick-or-treating. I am just bursting with anticipation, once he discovers that he gets to be a superhero and walk the neighborhood with his becostumed cousins, knock on people’s doors, and get candy!! It brings back such sweet memories. The happiest moments I recall as a child were Halloween, opening my Christmas stocking and finding my Easter basket. Now I’m a mother and the idea that my own child will soon experience this wonder and delight has me beside myself.

My costume today? I am a teenager. I think the look is more aptly the skateboarder look. Blue jeans. Long black camisole layered under a short dragon-emblazoned glitter t-shirt, layered under an even shorter crimson hoodie with long cuffs that cover half my hands. Messed up hair (well, that’s my everyday look, but it works). I am so pleased with myself, giggling at my own silly humour. As if anyone is going to get that I’m in costume. But it feels good to feel young. I feel young. I should have started Zoloft years ago.

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