sueeeus

First, I want to thank everyone for all the wonderful, sweet, and kind comments.  Thank you so!

We are home, safe and sound.  Our first stop, en route from hospital to home, was Costco, to fill the prescriptions.  It’s Labor Day weekend, and the last thing I wanted was to be home with no pain meds!  Because I’m a wuss.

Seriously, though, you know this attempted breastfeeding business is tough stuff if narcotics are necessary in order to bolster oneself enough to overcome the pain to try yet again.  And gosh, I’ve been trying.  The thing is, some will say that these giant babies still have teensy tiny tummies and can survive just fine on the meager quantities of colostrum produced until the milk comes in, but so far, not my boys.  No, they whither away at an alarming rate, plummeting past that x% normal baby weight drop, right on by, so the doctors recommend the alternate therapies begin.

I was all ready for this, though, and I started pumping in the hospital, just to see what was there, and to try and encourage things.  The lactation specialists were so good, too, and I was feeling so confident.  They noted that my milk was working its way down, and we had a plan to keep on pumping after feedings, use a supplemental tube to add the pumped milk to what the baby is trying to pull from the breast, and occasionally supplement with formula if necessary.  And some formula was necessary, at that point, due to the massive drop in weight.  The lactation specialist deemed that although LB doesn’t suck properly when there is no flow (and hence chomps the nipples mercilessly, just like his brother before him, resulting in bleeding, cracked, swollen, horrible protrusions that hurt like holy hell), once flow is present, he’ll switch his pattern to the normal suck.  Which is GOOD!  He can latch!  They estimated that I’d only have to use the tube for one or two days at most, because by then the milk would be flowing, and off we’d go.

So last night the boobs got all swollen, huge, and hard.  (I can only imagine what visitors Google might send my way, with that combination of words.)   Practically engorged, or what I remembered engorgement to be.  I was a bit surprised that this would happen, since I’m pumping regularly, every 2-3 hours, after each attempted feeding, and that’s supposed to help bypass the whole engorgement phase.  I assumed that the milk would come.  I knew that LB wasn’t getting much, because I couldn’t hear swallows, and he never switched to the sucking pattern, but continued chomping.  I expected to see more, once I pumped.  But no.

It has become too excruciating, even for me, and I actually have quite a high pain threshold, even though I called myself a wuss at the beginning of this post.  So I decided to take a break from nipple chomping, and just pump exclusively for a while to give things a chance to heal.  Meanwhile, the plan was to use the tube and my finger, to feed the expressed milk.  This is all under the assumption that there will be milk.

I’ve been pumping every two hours, and each time, what do I get?  A measly 10 mLs.  And that’s from BOTH breasts.  I brought out my diary from BB, and I was getting 30 mLs at this point, and I was distraught then, for that piddly amount, and my poor starving (giant of a) child.  (Who, we all know, is far far from starving, and is indeed a very robust boy!)

And then I noticed the whites of LB’s eyes turning yellow.  Jaundice.  Dear Lord, these things freak me out to the point where I want to curse these useless humongous bags of flesh.  All show and no go.  And really, hardly a worthwhile show at that.  I’ve been feeding LB every drop of expressed milk, and giving him as much formula as I can coax him to take.  Two days ago, the lactation consultant estimated he should be getting 45-55mL per feed, and feeding every 3 hours, increasing each day by another 10-15mL per feed.  So today he should be getting 70-90mL per feed.  I’m producing only about 120mL a DAY.

I’ve been trying all day to get him to eat, and have only managed to get him to take 40mL at any given feeding with the supplement tube, and at that, it takes a good hour and much coaxing.

So tonight I say, screw the nipple confusion, my boy must feed.  If I’m not making milk, I’m not making milk.  God knows why, or why not.  I’ll keep pumping like this and see what happens. Maybe there will be more milk.  Nature and science both say there should be.  We shall see.  In the mean time, bring on the formula, my boy must eat.  I got him to take 67 mLs, from a bottle, and it made me SO happy.  And afterwards, he stayed awake for a couple of hours, and I hope it’s not my imagination, but the whites of his eyes look more white.  I am relieved.

My beautiful, precious boy.

The apple of my eye.

Born 12:51 p.m. on 27 Aug 2008

10lbs 6oz at 38 weeks

We are well!

More to come…

I’m ready.  I’m NOT ready!  This is THE DAY.  The end of this journey and the beginning of the next.  The journey in which LB joins our family at last.

I’m not sure I can articulate my feelings, but I think it’s important that I try.  How can I begin to express my gratitude that I’ve been blessed to be a mother, twice over?  Two boys.  The mother of two beautiful boys.

There’s such a difference, from the baby leaving my body and coming out into the world.  The sheer sense of responsibility is almost overwhelming.  I know what it’s like, having been down this road with BB.  All the same.  Today, life will be much different.

Possibly some of this is the knowledge that this may truly be the end of this journey for me, that I will never be pregnant again, never carry another child, never bring a daughter into this world.

I don’t think I honestly want more than two — my body is not young, and there is much effort in raising children well.

Only a few hours more and our family of three becomes a family of four.  I suppose I am a bit terrified of what lies ahead, but for no good reason.  BB is nothing but a joy and delight.

A family of four!  How can it be anything but beautiful?!

I think perhaps the trepidation is merely that fear of change, of leaving one’s comfort zone and becoming accustomed to a new reality.

In a way, it’s like that feeling you get when you’re on a roller coaster, when you’re strapped in to the seat, motoring ever so slowly towards the peak, wondering to yourself why on earth you decided to get on this ride, and knowing that there’s no turning back and you absolutely must and will face the inevitable, that very, very soon you will be plummeting over the edge.  And as you drop, your fears crash through your stomach as you hurtle down, down, downward.  And then it’s over, and you’ve survived, and all is well.  (And sometimes you run right back, to queue for another go!)

So today, I’m nearing the precipice in this roller coaster seat, and the tension is rising in my throat.  In but a few hours, the drop.  And then it will all be over.  I will hold my precious new son in my arms, put him to my breast, and love him fiercely until the day I die.

A mother.  Again.  The dream of all my dreams, coming true.  How blessed I am.  How absolutely and completely blessed.

LB, my LB.  My dear, sweet LB.

LB and BB.  My boys.  My sons.

I am a mother.

So blessed.

A great spill marked the beginning of this pregnancy.  There have been pregnancies along the way in which clumsiness was one of the giveaway signs, even before I knew.  So it was this time.  I was painting my office and spilled the paint all over the carpet.  It was a colossal mess.  I remember joking to Gadget that it must mean I’m pregnant.  Not really believing it, since I’d taken a long expired round of Clomid, this being my last hurrah, and not expecting the drug to do much, if anything.  I took a test, anyway, which I think also happened to be the last of my test strips (having bought in bulk, and resigned myself to the fact that this was the last hurrah, not planning to buy any more…)

…and lo and behold, a positive.  So the story began.

Today, as we near the end of this pregnancy, indeed, this being the last full day, a great spill has again marked the occasion.  Clumsy, yes.  Because I keep forgetting just how much room this long load in front of me requires.  A full cup of tea (prepared nearly to Stomper Girl’s specifications, by the way, apart from the order of adding the milk, and the absence of sugar), spilled and splashed all over my desk.  My desk that is laden, mind you, with my work laptop, my home laptop, my docking station, keyboard, monitor, and two wireless mouse devices.  Tea.  Everywhere.  And of course I’m no speedster, so it took a few long moments to fetch towels from the kitchen.

I think I fried my personal laptop bluetooth mouse.  I only hope that I did no harm to either of the laptops.  They seem to be functioning, apart from the mouse situation.

Yesterday’s bout of contractions hasn’t repeated itself, thank goodness.  There are occasional contractions, but not hours of regularly spaced ones.  Which is a relief.  Heartburn remains, along with bouts of either extreme hunger or lack of appetite.  How strange for it to swing like that.  Only one full dose of insulin tonight, and a half dose in the morning, and hopefully that will be the end of the injections.

This time tomorrow I’ll be snuggling a beautiful little boy.  It’s hard to fathom.  Truly.

Wowsers, that’s a lot of flesh and unfriendly bulge for internet photos.  Very brave.  Or stupid.  (Edited to post a more flattering picture.)  I just want to capture this time, if possible, so I’ve been trying to take some final pictures of this immense belly, but it’s hard with poor lighting and just a mirror.  The thing is, Gadget, bless his beautiful heart, can’t focus to save his life (neither can I, apparently), and I’m not a very good artistic director, and I’d rather keep the peace at this point in life and marriage.

This morning I had the amnio.  It took three people!  The technologist used the ultrasound to find the best spot, my doctor readied the needles, and another doctor held another ultrasound wand/needle guide thing.  It was quite an impressive effort, to capture that precious fluid.  The thing is, once they found the spot and my doctor gave me the lidocaine shot to numb the spot in preparation for the big needle, LB moved.  Stinker!  So they had to start again.  Then he gave me another lidocaine shot, and LB moved again, plus, there was a problem with the big needle, so he had to get another one, and then they didn’t have another one in the room, so had to go find another kit.  In the mean time, guess who moved?  So finally, they got the big needle in, and it hurt, as it would, since it penetrated the uterus and caused some discomfort.  Then they couldn’t see the needle on the ultrasound, so they had to poke further, which pinched more.  But they quickly acquired the fluid they needed, and rushed it off via courier to the University hospital where they do the fluorescence check.  Meanwhile, I went to triage for non-stress-testing and observation, during which time I had several contractions, and LB did gymnastics.  As he does.  I was cleared to leave after an hour or so.  All in all, I was gone three hours for this, and not long after I arrived home, my doctor called to report that the numbers are good, LB’s lungs are mature enough for delivery, and all systems are go for Wednesday.

Woohoo!!

I finished my work day, then realized that I’ve been having regular contractions.  Off to Doctor Google I scurried, to find out whether I should be alarmed or not.  I’ve never had regular contractions during 3rd trimester, so don’t know what to expect.  BB never dropped, nor gave any indication that he was interested in leaving his watery world.  But LB.  Oh, my LB.  He is riding low and pressuring me, and causing me to feel the need to, er, empty my instestines.  Plus contracting every 5 minutes.  Luckily, Doctor Google advises that unless the contractions last 60 seconds or longer, then there’s no need to scurry to the hospital.  Mine are about 20-30 seconds.

It would appear that these are the famed Braxton Hicks that I’ve heard so much about but never experienced.  At least, that is my hope.  Because I really just want to go to the hospital at the prescribed time on the prescribed day per the prescribed plan, because I like my schedules and plans.  I like that kind of order in my universe.

Nevertheless, the bags are ready, and the last work items that I have left can be left if need be.  I can log in and set up my official out of office messages, and that will only take a few minutes.  I’ve got them all prepped and ready to go.

Luckily, and with a great sense of relief, the wave of contractions seems to have subsided, so I may be fine.  It’s just a bit alarming, thinking that this baby might be ready before I am!

I did a wild and adventurous thing (for me) early this year, and traveled across the globe to Australia, to see dear friends, and meet new ones face to face. All in the first trimester. I’ve spent quite some time in first trimester, and have only gone beyond it twice.

I tried to remain hopeful and positive and not allow stress and worry to take too much hold, and I allowed myself to buy something for the baby. A kit for a beautiful hand-felted rainbow woolen dragon. Months passed, the pregnancy progressed, and all along I intended to make the dragon. I made other dragons. Even one for the baby. But not the dragon. Until now.

And now that it’s finished, I think that it is more for me, than for the baby. It symbolizes this journey, from beginning to end, and that we have made it! That we are ready! I dared to hope and my dreams have come true. I am about to be the mother of two. Two beautiful boys. Two beautiful children. Two amazing people whose mere being adds much joy and love to this earth.

For perspective. It’s a wee little dragon, this. BB is snuggled next to me as I write, and says, “That’s my dragon, and that’s your dragon!” He’s been such a love lately, and I’ve been trying to snuggle and nuzzle and spend time with him as much as possible, hoping to fill him with security in knowing how important he is to me, and that even though priorities will soon change with LB’s arrival, there is enough Mommy and enough LOVE to share all around (even though it may seem that LB will be getting most of the attention for a while).

I may yet write a letter to LB, before he’s born. I want to tell him about our journey. His journey. I want him to know how much he is wanted, and how blessed we are to have him, how our family is that much more beautiful, because of him.

• I’ve gained 17 pounds during this pregnancy. I like that LB has managed to gobble up some of my fat stores.
• My belly cast was a miserable failure. It was going well and looking sweet, and I was getting excited about how neat it was going to be, but there was a problem with gravity, boobs, and the drying process, and the fact that I was doing this alone didn’t help. I made a colossal mess of the bathroom, and left it for my dear cleaning girl to take care of. How opportune. There is more material and I can try it again, but I’m leaning towards capturing the art form photographically instead. I did take a picture of me wrapped in Glad Press-N-Seal, but won’t be sharing that, thank you. And, much as it was recommended as a good barrier for body casting, one ought to mention that it might not be the best idea to stick it to sensitive tissue like, say, for instance, one’s nipples. Ahem.
• I took a sick day to rest, since I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night lately, for at least 3 hour stretches. Thursday I started my workday (from home) at 4 a.m., since I was up anyway. That night I was up from 1-4 a.m. So it was good to take a Friday breather. Monday I have my amnio, and will work from home after that, and Tuesday I’ll work from home as well.
• …and then it will be Wednesday!!!!!! LB arrives to grace us all with his beautiful presence.

• Yesterday Gadget said I look like Tweedle Dee or Tweedle Dum.
• My innie is threatening to become an outie, but I don’t think that will actually happen.  Ever.
• Today Charming Doctor said my numbers were actually okay, that he was giving me positive feedback, so accept it. I think it was his way of trying. Perhaps he sensed my aloofness. (Is that a word?) He did recommend Weight Watchers when this is all over, and I never appreciate that advice. From anyone. Been there, tried that, don’t do clubs of any sort. Just don’t. It’s like they think it’s original, and nobody’s ever come up with the idea of suggesting it to me before. Of course, if I’d actually lose weight one of these days…
• We’re both skilled professionals. I’ve decided that if we were colleagues in the same field, I’d kick his butt. So I feel better.
• He mentioned that he’s the doctor who’s on call this week, so should anything happen, he’ll be the one delivering LB. Internally resolve not to go into labor this week.
• I’m planning to ask my boss if it’s okay if I work the remainder from home, because it’s just too painful to move very much, and I need to sit sideways because my belly won’t fit under or against a desk, and I need to keep my feet up if possible.
• Sort of wondering if this kind of pelvic pain means things are imminent.
• Hoping I make it to my scheduled date, which is TWO WEEKS early, so it shouldn’t be a stretch to make it, should it?
• The big bag is loaded in the car:
  • breast pumps, yes, I mean business, I have two – the hospital grade Lactina and the manual Harmony
  • nursing pillow
  • baby clothes
  • the gorgeous receiving blanket that Suse gave us, gosh it’s almost too divine to use, but I’ll use it, because it’s so beautiful, befitting of a beautiful brand new boy
  • and diaper bag
• My personal bag is packed and ready at the office door. I suppose it can go in the car too. Don’t know why I didn’t put it there yet.
• Wondering if I Google pelvic pain and dropping (engagement) if I might have reason for alarm. Will probably do it anyway. Okay, did it. Could have anywhere from 2-4 weeks, so no need to freak out just yet.
• Didn’t have this sort of pain last time. Every pregnancy is different. As they say.
• Constant heartburn. Constant. Will Tums help? And why heartburn if ‘engagement’ is supposed to alleviate it? Heavens be praised, calcium carbonate does help.
• Considering doing a belly cast. Not enough time for mail order. Wonder if Michael’s has the plaster strip stuff.
• Called uhmerikanekspress and they have no record of having sent my new card. They apologized profusely and will expedite one, to arrive Wednesday. Good grief.
• Need to see MY doctor before delivery day, but he’s all booked. Usually helpful scheduling woman clearly said she’d call me tomorrow when he’s in, then when I was confirming what needed to be done, said (impatiently), NO, I need to call tomorrow to find out whether he wants to fit me in. She’s probably PMSing. I’ll cut her some slack. She’s usually very nice.
• Thinking about repainting a few walls. Gadget will undoubtedly frown.
• Need to have my hair touched up once more before Baby arrives – don’t know how long it will be before I can do it again, after he’s here, and lovely as it is, the blonde needs regular touch-ups.
• OH MY DEAR GOODNESS, I’m about to have a BABY! It’s so unreal, and so REAL. I’m beside myself.
• Obviously
• Only 36-1/2 weeks. And. Goodness. Gracious. Me. I’m. Tired.  All. The. Time.

BB is fascinated by the whole blood sugar testing and insulin administration process. Every time I stick my finger, he runs to see the drop of blood. Did you bleed? Satisfied with the size of the drop, he then proclaims, Ouchie! Every single time. Next, he likes to pick the injection site, and watches intently as I proceed. Sometimes it stings or pinches, and he says, “Did I not pick the right spot?” Sometimes it bleeds a bit, and he says, “Maybe you hit a bain (vein).”

Sometimes I’ll catch him playing make-believe with scraps of junk mail or whatnot, and he’ll be ‘testing his blood sugar.’ I hope he never actually needs to. Diabetes seems to be prevalent on my side of the family.

Less than two weeks left of insulin therapy, and I can put all the needle paraphernalia away. It’s not so bad, really, but I’ll be glad to be done with this part. It’s quite something, how the blood sugar can return to normal once the placenta is gone. I’m very curious whether my numbers will be stable or not, when it’s all said and done. I’m not planning on resuming the metformin for a little while, just so I can see.

I’m hoping to come out of this pregnancy with a net weight loss. I gained 7 lbs in the first 32 weeks, and 11 lbs between 32-36 weeks, 5 of which came on last week. So I assume that the recent 11 lbs is mostly water (as evidenced by the size of my ankles and the indentations left in my skin with the least amount of pressure), baby and placenta and amniotic fluid probably account for about 15-20, so I should be down a net 10 or so once LB arrives, and that 10 should help my blood sugar numbers. So. We shall see.

Recently, while reconciling my credit card statement, I discovered a charge for on-line movie rental, which struck me as odd, because we’d suspended our on-line movie rental account months ago. Upon investigation, I found a charge in the previous statement as well. I’m fastidious about reconciling my statements (and mercilessly nagging Gadget to produce his receipts), but I don’t necessarily get to them promptly. So, two rogue charges. I called the movie company, and they verified that my account is still deactivated, so they ran my credit card number and voila. Up popped another account, using my real name, my real address, and my credit card number. The email address was myrealnameandsomenumber at gmail, and the security question was something unfamiliar to me. They deactivated the account immediately and flagged it for fraud, and I called my credit card company and explained the situation as well. I had to cancel that card immediately, and was issued a new number.

At least the fraudulent charges were small, under $40 in all, but distressing is the fact that somebody was able to acquire my name, address, and credit card number, all three. How did they do that? So much more damage could have been done. I have a ridiculously high credit limit, and I’ve always felt nervous having a limit that’s more than I could pay off in a month. I use a credit card for everything, but I pay the entire balance each month, so never pay any interest. Plus, it’s one of those cash back cards, so I actually save money by using it, and it pays for my Costco membership as well. All good!

The problem is, my new card hasn’t arrived, and it seems like it’s been ages, so I feel like I’m hanging out to dry. My independence is compromised. I’m tied to Gadget for the time being, because his card number didn’t have to be reissued with mine, even though they’re on the same account. I was told it would take 7-10 days, and it seems like it has been over two weeks. I feel like I can’t function! I have automatic payments tied to that card, so even though I know the number, I don’t have the security code or the expiration date, so I can’t properly update the auto-pay functions, nor can I make on-line payments. So frustrating! Like a kid waiting for Santa Claus, I check the mailbox every day, looking for that silly card. Am I a credit card junkie? I need that card!

It’s such a shame, in this day and age, that identity theft is a reality. I’m just thankful that I was able to nip things in the bud, and that the damage was small. If I weren’t in this particular physical state, at the moment, I might be quite a bit more worked up over this whole affair, and feel more violated, but I simply don’t have the mental or emotional capacity for any more stress than this. I hope it’s all over.