sueeeus

Today I’m self medicating with a double Bloody Mary.

the face of depression

I actually took some video footage of myself in this state. Now THAT would be an impressive display of courage, to post that. I don’t know how to post video to this blog, so I suppose I’ll save myself the embarrassment, anyway.

One of the recent headlines in The Onion was, “Seasonal Depression To Take Over For Chronic Depression For A Few Months.”  It’s so true that it’s funny.  Or else it’s so funny that it’s true.  Either way.

When this happens to me, I start scouring through my blog history, looking at dates and seasons, trying to figure out when these points hit me.  It seems like they are regular.  The holidays approach.  Of course something is likely to try to take hold.  I read through the archives looking for tips on what I’ve done before.  I start thinking of digging out all my long expired leftover antidepressants and deciding whether or not to try one again.  It’s so exhausting, this mood cycling.  Just today, I don’t even know how many highs and lows I’ve had.  I’ve certainly cried a bucket of tears and felt the grip of anguish.  It’s ridiculous.  Mother fucking ridiculous.

I’m practicing new vile vocabulary.  Invoking the King’s Speech, as it were.  I’m expanding my comfort zone to boldly go where no sueeeus has gone before.  I mean, look at that.  I actually spelled it out, instead of a phonetic representation which was the best I could muster in the 2011 post.  At that time I’d tried an antidepressant as well.  And posted a forlorn picture as well.  Some things never change.  See?  It’s a cycle.  And I’m so TIRED of it!

Granted, much of it may be due to general exhaustion.  I don’t sleep enough.  I don’t rest enough.  I don’t get enough good nutrition. Although I did just have two full servings of vegetables in my V8 based Bloody Mary.

Ha!  My sense of humor remains intact!  We thank the holy heavens for that!!

I have SO MANY thought fragments that I want to capture.  If I could write them down, I think I could feel like I had at least a little grip on them, and if I could do that, maybe I could make some progress.  But instead, I reach a point of exhaustion where I have to just call it a day.  I have no further choice.   I will wake  up to a new day and be somewhat refreshed and will be able to move forward.

When I reach this point, I generally do some research into antidepressants and pros and cons.  I try to remember which ones that I’ve tried worked the best.  So today I was doing some research and stumbled across an article that irritated me.  “People get into a spiral where they can’t help themselves. You need to take responsibility for your own depression, but if you are given antidepressants and sent away, that’s never going to happen.”  Take responsibility?  For my own depression?  I don’t know why, but that statement nearly made my blood boil. Yes, I’m in a spiral.  Yes, it’s difficult.  (I am WRITING about it, at least).  No, I don’t want it to happen to me.  No, I don’t ask for it.  It happens.  It just does.  I don’t think it’s a behavioral thing.  I don’t think it’s a choice.  If it were a choice, I’d choose giddy happiness for my standard.  I would never choose to feel the way I feel now.

The more that it happens, the more I”m convinced that there’s something wrong inside my brain.  That’s the thing that I want to fix.  That’s the thing that needs to be addressed.  Why is there such a stigma with taking antidepressants or anti anxiety medications? Why does the mere notion scream, FAILURE??!!!  I have allergies.  I take antihistamines every day.  Why can’t I mentally allow myself the notion of taking an anti-anxiety medication daily, just like I take my antihistamines?  I can accept that I have allergies.  Why can’t I accept that I have depression?

I’m so, so, so exhausted.  At least I know that with the dawn of each new day there is relief and renewed hope.  But that erodes as the day progresses, and more than likely I’ll find myself in a similar state tomorrow night.

I’m so tired.