July 25th, 2013

I wonder at what point in my life I became a be-yotch.  My boyfriend says that I am.  (Sometimes.)  I generally don’t think of myself in those terms, but I was looking through pictures of myself recently, and the face looking back at me doesn’t look all that nice.  I’m not quite sure how I’d describe her.  She doesn’t look very happy.  The smile doesn’t look very convincing.  If there’s a smile at all, that is.  I scrolled through my Facebook pictures, months, years back, looking for a reflection of happiness.  There are some photos where I’m snuggling with my kiddos.  Those photos show the me that I think I am.  So many photos I thought were pretty when I posted them now look empty and frayed.

He often says that I’m mean to him.  It always baffles me that he feels that way. He says that I should be nicer.  Again, I’m baffled.  Well, maybe not so much.  I’m finding myself once again at a distance, behind a safety wall that continues to grow.  So I suppose it’s not a stretch to say that I should be nicer.  I would very likely be nicer if I weren’t hiding behind that wall.

I would like to figure out how to stand tall with no walls.  To move about freely.  This is who I am.  I am standing here, in this space, right now.  This is where I am.  I can be here.

Ugh.  I’m so exhausting!

I had a dream last night in which I was single, and was attending some sort of work-related social function.  It may have just been a lunch break.  I was seated at a round table with two guys.  We are all professionals, but I’m not sure their respective fields, but they are friends.  One guy is doing most of the talking.  We are having some sort of conversation, but he is doing most of the talking.  He’s very smart (or at least he talks a good game), and he’s not bad looking either.  We’re wrapping things up, and I say to him, “You’re smart.  You’re young.  You’re cute.  I like you.”  I thought I was complimenting  him and letting him know I’d be interested in seeing him again.  I followed it up with, “Normally I’m not so direct and so succinct, but I’ve got so much to do and have to be going…”   …his response took me by complete surprise.  He was offended and said that the way I spoke to him was abusive.  I was remorseful for my abruptness.  The thoughts that spun through my mind were along the lines of regret that what I said had ruined any chances I might have had for a future with that guy.

Crazy.

Now that I write it out, clearly it’s a rehash of my boyfriend’s sentiments.  And mine too, I suppose.

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 25th, 2013 at 12:46 PM and is filed under dreams, me, men, mental health. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

3 Responses to “as seen from another perspective”

Bernd Says:

You’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.

Aunty Evil Says:

Not commenting on whether your boyfriend is right or wrong, I’m not there so I don’t know.

But what I do know is that when you have spent your life doing what everyone else wants you to do and then you stop…people call you a bitch. It has happened to me.

When you stop being who THEY want you to be, all of a sudden, they don’t like you much anymore.

I wish I could be a person who didn’t care too much what people think of me. But I’m not. And I do. And sometimes it hurts.

Your posts often could be myself writing about me. This one is no different.

sueeeus Says:

Thank you both!