A recap for 2011. So many emotions. So many things. So much drama. So much stress. So. Much. Stress.
My dad died in May.
The pursuit of happily ever after.
Too much Gadget drama.
Off and on and on and off of various anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds.
Falling in LOVE! Oh! So amazing! Sadly that heady wave was quickly quashed or tarnished by all manner of things – judgments, misunderstandings, misconceptions… So. Many. Things.
The test of time will show all things. I have that knowledge for comfort and peace.
Going back to church. Getting back into more focused and formal prayer and worship. My heart welcomes that kind of fellowship with a warm yearning.
Establishing structure with my kids.
So much work.
So little time.
No time for me. No. Time. For. Me.
It seems that all I can do is go full steam ahead, just to stay alive and hold things together, but no time to breathe. For the most part, I appear calm and together on the outside. But I’m just going, going, going.
This year my defining word was “Be”. I hardly feel as though I’ve lived that at all. Instead, all it seems I’ve done is just survive. Just kept breathing. Just kept moving. Just kept going. No time to think of much of anything at all. Just holding it all together.
I’m not on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds. I’ve normalized and decided that I really don’t need them. Sometimes I feel like I’m hanging by a thread. What kind of mother am I being? Do they see me strong and together, or do they see me hanging by that thread?
So sensitive to the thoughts and feelings of those around me. Oh how I need to guard myself better, so that I don’t react, but remain clear and calm and unhurt. Oh. Lord. The hurt. I’ve cried gallons of tears. Ached to the depths of my heart, been tried to the very limits of my abilities and strength.
How am I doing? Am I being a good mother? Am I being a good friend? Am I being a good partner? Am I being a good sister? Am I being a good daughter? Am. I. Being. A. Good. Christian?
Every day my prayer is this: I beg of the Lord to give me ears to hear, eyes to see, a heart to know and a mind to understand as GOD hears, sees, knows, and understands. Sometimes I have no strength, but can only say, “Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God.” All the strength I have,mustered into those two words, “Oh God.”
And I keep going. One more breath. One more day. One more step.
I’m nearly 47 years old. It’s time to embrace life and live to live. Live to love. Joy and rejoice. Where is the joy in the midst of all this stress? Oh how I want to laugh and feel light hearted. Why so heavy a burden on me? Do I bring it upon myself? Surely I do. I must. All I want is to be my best and do my best. Am I selfish or selfless? Who am I? What am I?
Do I have a defining word for 2012?
My first thought is to choose “Live”, but I think I shall focus on “Gratitude”. Gratitude is focused outward, not inward. There is more healing and soul-filling to be had when focused outward over inward. Or I could choose ‘Humility.” It’s a constant and worthy endeavor, to embrace humility. Maybe I’ll choose a phrase. Live graciously. It takes gratitude and humility to do so. Yes. For 2012, I will make a conscious effort to live graciously.
