capturing a new year
I’ve noticed some of my blogging friends have chosen a theme word to help focus the year. Simplify. Breathe. Listen. Words like that. What word would best encapsulate my aspirations for 2011? I can think of many words that describe how I feel at this moment.
Drained. Deflated. Depleted.
Relieved. Relieved to have my boys home, asleep in their beds, and to have a little alone time to regroup, try to figure out where I am, how I am, and let tears stream down my face as I try to sort these things out.
I’ve had a week off from work, but it doesn’t seem as though I’ve had a vacation, even though I did get two full nights of sleep in during that week, and even though I had two fine grown-up days that bathed the senses with visual, aural, and gastronomic goodness.
Maybe this is the year to focus on loving myself the way I want to be loved, or treating myself the way I want to be treated. Or to put the golden rule into action and love others the way I want to be loved and treat others the way I want to be treated. In general, I think I do these things (for others). For me, I can give myself time. I can carve out more time with which to do things that edify me. That I can do. But what of intimacy? Why is it that I have such a deep and persistent ache for physical touch, for embracing, for intimacy? I don’t know how to assuage this ache alone, and I can’t make it an expectation for another. So I’m stuck, like a spoiled and whining child who wants something she can’t have. The difference being that that which I want to receive is also that which I want to give. That said, I like to think that I don’t come across as spoiled and whiny. I hope that I come across as loving, giving, and nurturing.
Stuck. Stuck is not the word that I want to use to define my year.
Maybe I will find a way to overcome the ache, and just live, just be.
Be. That can be my word.
Be.
