sueeeus

This is nothing like the tale of Bilbo Baggins, and there is nothing like a mid-life crisis to jump-start a marriage (or send it off to the scrap heap).

In short, he left.

I filed.

He came home.

So here comes the long of it.

Gadget’s been on a steadily souring course for some time now, which escalated shortly after his dad’s passing.  Constantly irritable, he had a scowl imprinted on his face, and would barely speak or even look at me.  Being the not too bright when it comes to interpersonal relationships sensitive creature that I am, I internalized and assumed that somehow I had done (or not done) something.  A glutton for punishment, I even went so far as to ask if he could rule me  out as part of the cause of his unexplained feelings, to which he said, “I can’t rule anything out because I don’t know why I feel this way.”  Nice.  That felt good.

And so it went on.  Then he went away for a 3-day weekend business trip during which time he didn’t call home.  Cue the alarm bells ringing in my head.  I was distraught when he returned, and he was sour and irritable.  We had THE TALK.  I had to ask if he’d met somebody.  No, he hadn’t.  All that late night text messaging with someone, what about that?  Just friends of friends who don’t have a life.  Fine.  I didn’t really believe him.  I was hurt that he would carry on conversations with some near-stranger(s) when it was like pulling teeth to spend words between US.  I have to dig for any morsel of information.  Nothing is forthcoming.  We were finally talking about what’s going on with him, but it had to be me who brought out the ‘D’ word.  I didn’t expect him to jump on it, though.  Not in a thousand years would I have ever thought he’d be the one who wanted to leave.  I know I’ve had a difficult time adjusting to a partnered life, having spent the better part of 40 years the commander of my own ship.  But there it was.  He wanted out.

Do what you need to do, to find your smile.

I thought he’d stay home while we worked through the details, but he found a place the very next day, and that was that.  Gone.  I was stunned, really.  Leaving must have been on his mind for some time, for him to be able to move out so quickly.

I didn’t get a chance to process my feelings.  I did the paperwork.  Once you wade through the thousands of pages of instructions, and cut to the chase, it’s surprisingly easy to get a divorce here, without a lawyer, with children, when both parents agree to the terms.    I filed.  I wanted to get it done while we were still on good terms, uncertain of how things could change, for better or worse, in the coming days.  I set the hearing date, which is 90 days past the filing date, and I prepared the final papers for the hearing and had him sign them.  All set.  Show up to the hearing, have the judge sign the papers, and that’s that.  I keep the kids and the house.  He gets the truck and the boat.

I had to work, and I had to take care of my kids.  I didn’t want them shaken or confused.  I didn’t want to expose them to any turmoil.  I put on a cheerful face, and when asked, explained that Daddy’s taking a time out.  A grown-up kind of time out. He’s not in trouble.  He just needs to be alone right now.  I was matter of fact, and BB accepted it as that.  But inside, everything churned.   I wanted to cry and scream and release some emotion, but I couldn’t — it would frighten the kids.  It was a terrible few days.

I made new plans to keep things moving.  Joined the gym, added the kids.  Pick them up from daycare, give them a snack, drop them off at the kid’s playroom, work out, go home, feed them, put LB to bed (poor little guy falls asleep in the car on the way home), spend a little one-on-one time with BB, then off to bed.  Do it all over again.  Tuesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays we go to the gym where I do water aerobics for an hour.  The other days BB is my helper and we do projects and jobs, all with gusto to make it fun.  Take out the garbage, take out the recycling, cook dinner, tidy up the house.  Last weekend we sanded, painted, and reupholstered our dining chairs.  BB helped me sand and choose the new fabric.  We walked through the fabric store playing “I spy”, and we had a good time making the transformation.  I wouldn’t let him paint (we used spray paint) or use the staple gun, for obvious reasons, but he loved sanding and I think he shares that wonderful feeling of accomplishment and creativity, now that we see the fruits of our efforts.  I love that!

I asked Gadget to come over for dinner and spend some time with the boys.  They need to see their dad, I told him, and true enough, they were so happy to see him, they couldn’t stop climbing all over him, and running circles around him.  LB kept resting his head on Gadget’s leg and foot.  Hugs.  Baby hugs.  I couldn’t fathom how he could possibly walk away from that.  Yet the frown remained, just below the surface, imprinted on his face.  A truly unhappy man.

He called the next day.  He’d thought things through.  He didn’t want to live a different life after all.  He thought he could be happy on his own, but decided that the life he wants is with us.  He would be more involved with the children.  He would help out more around the house.  He would be a better father and husband.

I can’t take the yo-yo action, I told him.  You can’t change from unhappy to happy, the way you can switch a light off and on.  But he insists he can.  He insists he’s made up his mind and he will stay with that decision.  The decision for family.

Come home, I said, but I’m not going to cancel the case immediately.  You have to prove to me that you mean what you say.  We have nearly 3 months.  Show me.

We have new family plans.  BB, Gadget, and I each get to choose what’s for dinner on two days of the week, so we have six days planned and one day for leftovers.  We’re going to do something fun as a family every other weekend, and Gadget and I are going to have a date, just the two of us, at least once a month.  We’re going to do more together.  All of us.

We went to the aquarium yesterday.  It was a full and happy day.

Gadget’s bachelor pad, the court fees, and emotional trauma have added up to a very expensive couple of weeks, but in the long scheme of things, if these were necessary in order to reach a pleasant and hopeful outcome for a bright and glorious future, then it’s all well worth it.

I’m still holding my breath, though.