sueeeus

I wonder at what point in my life I became a be-yotch.  My boyfriend says that I am.  (Sometimes.)  I generally don’t think of myself in those terms, but I was looking through pictures of myself recently, and the face looking back at me doesn’t look all that nice.  I’m not quite sure how I’d describe her.  She doesn’t look very happy.  The smile doesn’t look very convincing.  If there’s a smile at all, that is.  I scrolled through my Facebook pictures, months, years back, looking for a reflection of happiness.  There are some photos where I’m snuggling with my kiddos.  Those photos show the me that I think I am.  So many photos I thought were pretty when I posted them now look empty and frayed.

He often says that I’m mean to him.  It always baffles me that he feels that way. He says that I should be nicer.  Again, I’m baffled.  Well, maybe not so much.  I’m finding myself once again at a distance, behind a safety wall that continues to grow.  So I suppose it’s not a stretch to say that I should be nicer.  I would very likely be nicer if I weren’t hiding behind that wall.

I would like to figure out how to stand tall with no walls.  To move about freely.  This is who I am.  I am standing here, in this space, right now.  This is where I am.  I can be here.

Ugh.  I’m so exhausting!

I had a dream last night in which I was single, and was attending some sort of work-related social function.  It may have just been a lunch break.  I was seated at a round table with two guys.  We are all professionals, but I’m not sure their respective fields, but they are friends.  One guy is doing most of the talking.  We are having some sort of conversation, but he is doing most of the talking.  He’s very smart (or at least he talks a good game), and he’s not bad looking either.  We’re wrapping things up, and I say to him, “You’re smart.  You’re young.  You’re cute.  I like you.”  I thought I was complimenting  him and letting him know I’d be interested in seeing him again.  I followed it up with, “Normally I’m not so direct and so succinct, but I’ve got so much to do and have to be going…”   …his response took me by complete surprise.  He was offended and said that the way I spoke to him was abusive.  I was remorseful for my abruptness.  The thoughts that spun through my mind were along the lines of regret that what I said had ruined any chances I might have had for a future with that guy.

Crazy.

Now that I write it out, clearly it’s a rehash of my boyfriend’s sentiments.  And mine too, I suppose.

I got sick this morning, on the way to drop off my kids with their dad for the weekend.  My chest was tight, my stomach was hard.  I’m not sure, but it seems to be psychological.  I’m reminded of all the  tummy aches and headaches I suffered as a child.   I’ve been going through all sorts of things recently and everything seems to be stacking up, so much that I feel like I’m close to a breaking point.   I even called my mom to ask what age she went through menopause.  Looking for explanations.  I’ve been perusing and contemplating anti-depressant options.  Again.

It’s an hour drive to drop off or retrieve the kids.  I stopped by the Home Depot on the way back for a couple of items, and barely made it to the loo in time. I called D and told him I don’t feel well,  so maybe he could go on a motorbike ride with one of his friends instead.   He said he could stick around and be with me, but I said I’d rather be alone.  Why is it so very hard for me to say that?   It’s true though. I  absolutely need some time alone, and I get so very very little of it.  It’s a shame that my sense of self-preservation would make me physically sick,  just to buy myself that time.

Oh Lord in Heaven, I really needed it.

I’ve had a good day. I  didn’t get as much rest as I’d like, but the sickness has faded.  My chest is no longer constricted.  My bowels are no longer  churning.  I was able to write a bit and unload some thoughts.  Just getting them out of my head helps tremendously.  My head is no longer whirring with so many unprocessed fragments.  I  feel much better.

home alone

I’ve been resting outside, listening to the musical whispers of my wind chimes, breathing the fresh country air.  I think I’m ready to face the world again.  At least for a little while.