sueeeus

Still waiting.  Holding my breath.  Crossing my fingers.  I went to my OB yesterday, and as luck would have it, the ultrasound tech had a slot so she fit me in.  I was ecstatic!  I SO wanted to see that heartbeat.  First scan was the transabdominal method.  Only visible was the black sac.  I told her that last time I’d needed the wand, because I had too much belly fat to get a good view.  I just ignore the mortification that lurks when having to make such a remark about myself.  It’s not that it’s not obvious, or anything, but all the same, who wants to actually vocalize the fact of abundant adipose tissue.  I think I read that on a med site today.  It sounds less gruesome and awful than obese or fat.  All the same, it is what it is.  Adipose tissue.  Sigh.  Anyway.  With the wand, the tech was able to locate, with a little difficulty, the embryo.  I was so excited to see that white spot!  Although, the fishing around in there trying to find it was a bit unnerving.  I strained to see a heartbeat and didn’t see it.  Next, she said the calculations based on measurements showed the date to be six weeks and one day.  I didn’t panic right away, but just marked it as something to speak to the doctor about.  I know, KNOW KNOW it’s more than six weeks and one day.  There’s no way it can be six weeks and one day.  No.WAY.  All the same, the kindly tech cut out a couple of the ultrasound pictures and placed them in a nice congratulatory envelope for me.  So it must have been good.  Maybe she saw a heartbeat and didn’t tell me   I know they try not to discuss anything in there.  I think they’re under strict instructions to leave the questions, answers and discussions to the doctors.  I would feel so much more comfortable if I KNEW there was a heartbeat.  Next, I told my doctor that the estimated date made no sense.  Yes, it’s way off, he agreed.  Based on LMP, which means nothing in my case, I am supposedly 9 and a half weeks or more.  Of course I know that’s not true, so I showed him my numbers of dates in the realm of possibility, and he used his little magical wheel and did some backtracking and decided, yes, the 6 weeks one day measurement is not possible.  He didn’t seem alarmed, though.  He just said we should reschedule for later next week, and then we’ll have a good idea of what’s going on, based on change.  So now I have to wait until the 15th, and try not to be anxious about anything.  Everything I’ve read says that a heartbeat should be clearly evident at 6-7 weeks, especially if measured transvaginally.  Sigh.  I think I’m 7-8 weeks, so if I don’t see a heartbeat and if the embryo size looks only like 6 weeks, the most horrible conclusion is that things stopped around 6 weeks.  Oh, dear Lord, I hope not!  I still have general symptoms and I so so so want this life to make it.  I know that if it doesn’t, it’s no fault of my own.  I’ve done everything that I can to take proper care of this earthen vessel in which I live since the first day I tested positive, and the cell division and growth is out of my hands.  Even so, it’s so hard not to be anxious.  I’m trying to be peaceful and not neurotic or depressed.  I need to find the glass half full attitude, and hold on to it, rather than the looming fear and dread of the glass being half empty.  It comes and goes.  Perhaps the emotional yo-yo should be taken as a good sign that the hormones are actively fluctuating.  If all is well, there should be quite some change by the 15th, and hopefully a reasonable due date can be determined.  I should have some peace by then.