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Once upon a time there was an eyesore. A wasteland of exceeding desolation. Passersby would shake their heads and look away. The eyesore grew. The homeowners looked upon the eyesore, and muttered among themselves. Years passed. At times there would be talk about a remedy for the eyesore. But nothing ever came of it. More time passed. Then one day, the heavens opened up, and a catalyst arrived, in the form of machinery. An earth mover.

The machine roared to life, and Project Median was born. The machine moved the earth, this way and that. Then the machine went away. But the eyesore remained. It was time for action. A design emerged. Some green. Some color. Some contour. Some function. The ideas whirred around until they took hold. Scouting missions ensued. Trees and shrubs appeared. A sunny day arrived.

The homeowners converged upon the median, with rakes and shovels in hand. Side by side, the neighborhood got to the business of working together to make the world a better place. And lo, they did. At the end of the day, a thing of beauty emerged.

The neighborhood looked upon the fruits of their labor and saw that it was good. The homeowners bid one another good night, and smiled among themselves, basking in the warmth of camaraderie and contentment.

Fragments from Stockton Gala Days and Gold Rush Brides waft through my mind as I find myself distracted by the yearning for simplicity, for self-sufficiency, for joying in the fruits of my labor; a more meaningful existence.

that summer fields grew high
with foxglove stalks and ivy
wild apple blossoms everywhere

From whence, such yearnings To dine from the bounty of my garden. To work with my hands. To craft. To be an artisan of any kind. To live off the fat of the land.

who were the homestead wives
who were the gold rush brides
does anybody know
do their works survive their yellow fever lives in the pages they wrote

Such a dreamer. I have yet to grow a garden. The smallest attempts I’ve made have been discouraging. Aphids and slugs. How does one grow luscious foods, sans pests I am storing inspirational links and tips on my sidebar, for future reference.

Methinks such ramblings begin in part with a troublesome commute. When the sky opens up and the rains return, though welcome, the yang to the yin is the reaction of everyday people out there, congesting the roads, trying to wield their superiority over the elements, thinking that somehow they don’t need to adjust their speed or maneuvering techniques to compensate for the weather. Times like these I long to remain home. To make my living by staying put. Let the busy world pass on by. I want to slow down. Pioneer heritage stirs within me, past generations of yankee ingenuity pull at my heartstrings, urging me to follow, to return home.

come back to me with all your heart
don’t let fear keep us apart
trees do bend, though straight and tall
so must we to others call

long have I waited for your
coming home to me
and living, deeply, our new life

the wilderness will lead you
to your heart, where I will speak
integrity and justice, with tenderness
you shall know

you shall sleep, secure with peace
faithfulness will be your joy

And then I understand. Melodies that captured my heart, from the earliest and finest memories of days gone by. These are words that formed me, that knit together with my heart and soul to form the fabric of my being. Who I am.

credits: Hosea, Come Back To Me, Gregory Norbet, OSB (Order of Saint Benedict); Stockton Gala Days, Gold Rush Brides, from Our Time in Eden, 10,000 Maniacs

I love…

• that the rains have finally arrived
• that Mr. Gadget installed fan timers in the bathrooms, without me even asking
• that Mr. Snazzy Pants has forgotten about his pacifier (and it’s a good thing, as I have absolutely no idea where the last surviving ‘binkie’ is)
• that today is Friday and there is a remote possibility that I can get a full night’s sleep tonight
• that TV season is back in swing (Prison Break on Monday, House on Tuesday, Bones on Wednesday, Grey’s Anatomy and Without a Trace on the horizon)
• that my new popcorn popper does a bang up job and meets with my (very hard to come by) approval

I do not love…

• that my blog goes belly up on such a regular basis
• that all my web sites go belly up so frequently
• that I have web sites to support
• that the culprit is probably my web host service
• that I can’t determine, for certain, precisely what is the cause of such bad behavior
• that I made a fabulous family web site for the in-law side of my family, and thus far, almost nobody uses it
• that I upgraded my fabulous family web site with super-fabulous features like a categorized photo gallery and personal control over posts, uploads, and comments, and, thus far, I’ve heard nothing but complaints from the peanut gallery regarding how slow it is and how difficult it is to use, and how it basically sucks
• that, thus far, only one person (other than myself) has even tried to use the fabulous new site, that person being a certain gadget enamored individual, recently referred to as the peanut gallery
• that I have lost the art of punctuation (which some people, more than others, and myself included, find distressing)
• that Mr. Gadget has the wi-fi capable laptop tucked away in his work van (and why   Why   “Because it’s mine,” he says, “and why can’t I keep it where I want it ” To which I ask, “what possible use is it, out there ”  To which, the non-answer is, “Because it’s mine, and why can’t I keep it where I want it “
• that almost all conversations with the peanut gallery are similarly productive
• that I can think of far more things for this part of the list, than for the glass half full list

Let me see…

Shall I whinge on the latest examples of Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars   (Except, I am an Aries, after all, and the gender barrier doesn’t always hold true.)

Or, perhaps, a whinge on the goings on and at the office   I think not.  It’s best to keep a separation of work and blog, in my case.  And besides, Mr. Gadget is quite good at bearing the brunt of my work whinges.  We unload our respective work whinges at the end of the day, as the need arises.

Shall I muse over the complexity of the endocrine system, and all that entails   I think not.  Oh, maybe just a little.  The fact that I have phases of oily, pimply skin, mixed levels of unwarranted depression or melancholy, and even moments of snarly ungracious attitude, I think hormones are busy at work, doing their thing, wreaking havoc as they wrestle for their place in the confines of this earthen vessel they call home.

Shall I lament over the state of the lives of the people I love, friends and family both Nay, such things are far too private for the blogosphere.

Shall I mention how glad I am that it has finally rained  

What about my fall lineup   Cargo pants and red shoes.  Red shoes!  (Fashion is no longer my thing.  Function.  Comfort.  It’s all about function and comfort.)

Shall I ramble on about one of my latest goals   The art of zen blogging   Zen is about simplicity, is it not   Zen blogging.  It’s nothing more than a feeble attempt at a positive spin on the fact that I don’t can’t shouldn’t spend quite so much time at the computer.  Therefore, in the interest of simplifying my life, I might not be spending as much time reading and writing in the blogosphere.

Actually, it’s a guilt thing.  The child, he cries.  Wails!  When I sit down at my desk, he cries.  Tears.  Tears!  “Mama, you should be with me, not that STUPID COMPUTER!” I read from his tearful, pained expression.  No, he’s not talking yet.  But that’s what he’s saying.  I’m certain of it.

Today we went fishing. What a day! It’s a glorious feeling, to be out on the ocean. There’s just something about it. Big water terrifies me, but it also soothes me. It’s one of those incongruous things. This was my first time fishing for king salmon. I fished for pinks or humpies (I don’t know what’s what), the last time (which was also my first time), and was quite successful. Apparently, there’s a completely different art to king fishing, and they weren’t interested in my allure.

Mr. Gadget did quite well, and landed an enormous fish that will likely grow larger yet, as the years go by and the tale is spun. Mr. Munchkin is a remarkably good sailor boy. He did so well. He wasn’t interested in the fish or the seaweed, but he loved pointing out the planes when they’d fly by.

The biggest fish was bigger than my son! It was a wild one too. Not a hatchery fish. (One learns these things when one has fish friends like ours.)  We’ll be getting our omega 3s this week.

The dream is alive. Now, it’s just a matter of choice. What view would I like best, from my kitchen window

Shall it be water and mountains Or a grove of white barked trees. With large rock outcroppings scattered in the distance

I think I’d like the water view from a covered porch, where I can sit and enjoy the evening air.
I’d like to make the most of passive thermal heating and cooling properties, so I’m going to have to figure out the lay of the land, North and South, East and West. The dream is for a green home that uses energy wisely.  I like a woodsy, Asian, contemporary flair.  It will be a Pacific Northwest Zen home, at one with the environment and the family. So many things to consider, but oh! The possibilities!

The clock is ticking, but I’m not sure when we can take those steps and boldly go forth and immerse ourselves in Rural America. Mr. Gadget’s heart isn’t there yet. But I’m working on him.

For now, this piece of paradise is ours.  It’s a step.  A leap, in fact.

Let’s try that again, shall we

• 5:15 – 5:35 a.m. wake up (4 mins)
• 5:19 – 5:39 a.m. prepare for work
• necessary hygiene
• bathe (20 mins)
• brush teeth (3 mins)
• get dressed (5 mins)
• apply warpaint (5 mins)
• pack lunch bag (5 mins)
• 5:57 a.m. prepare for daycare
• dress the munchkin (5 mins)
• pack diaper bag (5 mins)
• snuggles and cuddles (5-10 mins)
• 6:12 – 6:17 a.m. make the bed (ha ha, as if that will happen) (3 mins) 
• 6:15 -6:20 a.m. drive to work (35-40 mins)
• 7:00 a.m. – 3:30 p.m. work (8.5 hrs)
• 3:30 – 4:15 p.m. drive to daycare (45-50 mins)
• 4:15 – 4:25 p.m. daycare pickup (10 mins)
• 4:25 – 4:35 p.m. drive home (10-15 mins)
• 4:35 – 5:05/5:35 p.m. prepare dinner (30-60 mins)
• 5:05/5:35 – 5:35/6:05 p.m. feed the munchkin (30 mins)
• 5:35/6:05 – 5:50/6:20 p.m. feed myself (15 mins)
• 5:50/6:20 – 6:10/6:40 p.m. clean the kitchen (20 mins)
• 6:10/6:40 – 7:05 p.m. exercise (25-55 mins)
• 7:05 p.m. miscellaneous household chores (30 mins)
• 7:35 p.m. bathe the boy (20 mins)
• 7:55 p.m. change into jammies (5 mins)
• 8:00 p.m. put him to bed (15 mins)
• 8:15 – 8:20/9:00 p.m. get him to sleep (5-45 mins)
• 8:20/9:00 – 9:00/9:40 p.m. marriage maintenance (40 mins)
• 9:00/9:40 p.m. – 10:00 p.m. me time (20-60 mins)
• 10:00 p.m. prepare myself for bed (5 mins)
• 10:05 p.m. – 5:15/5:35 a.m. sleep

I don’t know why I was complaining.  According to this schedule, there is not only room in my life for exercise, housecleaning, and marriage maintenance, but there is me time as well.  Except, I just realized, that apart from the 5-10 minutes of morning snuggles and cuddles, I am completely ignoring my child.  This will never do.

This is more what honesty looks like.

• 2:30 a.m. wake up for diaper change, put toddler back to bed (10 mins)
• 2:40 a.m. back to sleep
• 5:00 a.m. wake up for another diaper change and hungry boy, give in and feed him something (20 mins)
• 5:20 a.m back to sleep
• 6:30 a.m. wake up exhausted, realize we’re late again, wonder to self, “what’s the point “, try to get up, fail, go back to sleep, drag self out of bed, finally, after a ten minute struggle
• 6:40 a.m. prepare for daycare
• dress the munchkin (5 mins)
• pack diaper bag (5 mins)
• snuggles and cuddles (5-10 mins)
• 7:00 a.m. prepare for work
• necessary hygiene
• bathe (20 mins)
• brush teeth (3 mins)
• get dressed (5 mins)
• apply warpaint (5 mins)
• pack lunch bag (5 mins)
• 6:12 – 6:17 a.m. make the bed (ha ha, as if that will happen) (3 mins) 
• 7:20 – 8:00 a.m. drive to work (35-40 mins)
• 8:00 a.m. – 4:30 p.m. work (8.5 hrs)
• 4:30 – 5:15 p.m. drive to daycare (45-50 mins)
• 5:15 – 5:25 p.m. daycare pickup (10 mins)
• 5:25 – 5:35 p.m. drive home (10-15 mins)
• 5:35 – 6:05/6:35 p.m. prepare dinner (30-60 mins)
• 6:05/6:35 – 6:35/7:05 p.m. feed the munchkin (30 mins)
• 6:35/7:05 – 6:50/7:20 p.m. feed myself (15 mins)
• 5:50/6:20 – 6:10/6:40 p.m. clean the kitchen (20 mins)
• 6:10/6:40 – 7:05 p.m. exercise (25-55 mins)
• 7:05 p.m. miscellaneous household chores (30 mins)
• 7:35 p.m. bathe the boy (20 mins)
• 6:50/7:20 – 7:55 p.m. play with beloved child, pay bills, misc. household chores, delete spam, waste time
• 7:55 p.m. change into jammies (5 mins)
• 8:00 p.m. put him to bed (15 mins)
• 8:15 – 8:20/9:00 p.m. get him to sleep (5-45 mins)
• 8:20 – 9:00 p.m. delete spam, blog
• 9:00 – 10:00 p.m. marriage maintenance (i.e., watch tv together)
• 10:00 p.m. prepare myself for bed but get distracted by an assortment of distractions, including but not limited to: blogs, tv, arguments, chores, daydreams, internet research, projects, and so on, and so forth.
• 11:00 p.m. – 2:30 a.m. sleep

And… somewhere in there I manage to shop for groceries, fuel the car, do some banking, and so on and so forth. 

It’s been exhausting, just trying to sort out where my day goes!  However, I think that I shan’t berate myself quite so much for not making more time for exercise.   

I am using WordPress as a blogging tool, which I like very much.  I even migrated my family’s personal web site and message board to WordPress recently.  However.  There are times when it doesn’t work well or efficiently, and I’m not sure how much is related to my hosting situation, and how much is related to WordPress itself.  I’ve read on the WP technical support forums that there have been complaints of extremely slow performance with the latest version, which I’m using.  I’ve also read reviews from other forums that rate my particular hosting service as downright awful.  In either case, it’s frustrating when it’s slow, or doesn’t even respond. 

Some day, when I’m smart enough (or driven enough) to rectify the situation, I’ll make some changes, but for now, I’m not interested in fighting this particular battle.  So, my blog availability may be sporadic, and for this, I apologize (to my extensive readership –cough– ).

Is readership a word   I can’t be bothered with looking it up at present.  Although I find it interesting, and disheartening, that my vocabulary has deteriorated dramatically with age.  However, I theorize that it’s not so much age related as it is usage-related.  I think language skills tend to be ‘use it or lose it’ skills, that need to be continually exercised in order to maintain.

I’m the type of person who does well with schedules and routines.  I’m very process oriented.  These things work for me.  Structure.  I like structure.  With that in mind, I have some new restated goals (in the interest of re-focusing my life, and gaining some control over the chaos in which I live.)

D A I L Y   G O A L S

• an uninterrupted night’s sleep, which can theoretically be realized by the following:
• wean the beautiful boy from his bedtime bottle habit so that he doesn’t wake up between midnight and 3 a.m. needing a diaper change.  every. single. night.
• find a way to fill his tummy with non-liquid food to keep him from waking up hungry between 3 a.m. and 5 a.m.  every. single. morning.
• an hour of exercise a day
• more realistically, 1/2 hour a day
• more realistically, 1/2 hour every other day
• wholesome organic glucose friendly meals.  period.
• more realistically, omit the packaged/canned/preserved/prepared foods.
• a clean kitchen
• a tidy home (to the unscrutinizing eye)
• a little bit of me time (ha ha ha ha guffaw ha ha ha…)

I’ve distracted myself so much with the thundering guffaws in my head, that I’m not able to continue this list.  It was nice to start to think about, at any rate.