Sometimes, it seems as though sorrows come in waves. Recently, there has been news of friends, and friends of friends, people around my age, losing their lives to cancer or sickness, and in one case, suicide. Lives lost. Yet, at the same time, there has also been news of friends, and friends of friends, surviving cancer and surviving the brink of suicide. Lives won!
One thing that news like this does is help me put my own life into perspective. How am I living? Am I wasting precious moments of my life, or am I living my life fully?
For a very long time, now, I’ve lost my smile. I wasn’t actually aware of that, per se, until a year and a half or so ago, but once it occurred to me, I scrolled through picture upon picture and saw that it was true. There are many pictures in which I’m smiling, but the smile is hollow.
Without knowing what else to do, I sought to at least put a little more effort into taking better care of myself. I’ve taken some small steps and some big steps, and I’ve made some progress. I’ve been trying to answer the question of how I want to live. What do I want for myself and for my family?
It’s interesting how things can change so dramatically in an instant. I’ve been in a sort of doldrums state for such a very long time, where I couldn’t even begin to imagine what sort of life I want for myself, other than simply know that the life I’m living is not the life that I want, or more to the point, the life I’m living is not quite complete. If I tried to give the matter thought, I couldn’t imagine any kind of scenario that would work, that would even be possible. My age, my children’s age, my work, my responsibilities. My life is so full that there is barely any room to breathe, yet still, there persists an aching, yearning need for connection.
Somehow, in the midst of everyday life, the heavens have opened up and rained down on me. In the course of doing those things which are within my reach, I’ve made new connections, new friendships. I’m starting to meet other parents, and slowly building a sense of community. By the simple act of letting myself settle in to this country home and this small community, the community has opened up to me.
I love where I live. It’s beautiful and peaceful. For the first time in my life, I feel as though I have a home. In fact, I feel as though I am home. It’s something I’ve been missing for so long!
And look! A genuine smile!
She’s back — and she’s back in black!
