I am finding my way. I realize that I’ve been repeating various patterns throughout my life — patterns with relationships, patterns with self esteem, patterns in general. Bit by ever so slowly bit, I am making progress.
Some things about me are always changing. My hopes and dreams today may not be the same hopes and dreams I had yesterday, a month ago, a year ago, five years ago, or twenty years ago. I am the same, insomuch as the core of who I am remains the core of who I am. But what I want for my life, or what I think I want for my life, is an abstract concept that remains in constant flux and has yet to take form.
I love my country home. There are so many trees surrounding me. It’s peaceful here. While it’s a bit frightening to be so far from the security of family and conveniences, it’s tranquil and private and comfortable. I hope we learn to weather the winters well. Last season was uncharacteristically mild, so I don’t know what to expect for a representative winter.
I’m battling with some anxiety, recently. I’m not sure if it’s the gloomy weather (rain, drizzle, more rain, lightning, thunder, rain, and more rain), if I’m picking up on someone else’s anxiety, or if it’s something inside of me. Most likely it’s some combination of all of these things.
I sat outside on the balcony for a few minutes. It’s such a treat to sit outside and breathe the outdoor air, with the comfort and luxury of a roof over my head. I was quite content until I discovered a huge spider, some sort of larvae, and a large empty cocoon tucked into one of the lounge cushions. I’m not particularly interested in sharing my space with creatures of that nature. Just prior to that, as I was semi reclined with a cup of tea, the image of Jabba the Hutt flashed through my mind. It’s always interesting to me, how one’s self-image can be so far from one’s true image. I *know* I look nothing like Jabba the Hutt, but for some reason, I felt as though that is how I looked. I’m fairly certain that it’s because I was feeling gross after making some poor food choices (i.e., ramen noodle soup).
There are so many changes taking place at work. People who I’ve known for decades are retiring. Others have passed away. Massive organizational restructuring is underway, but there is very little being said about it.
I think I’m going through a life storm right now, and all I can do is try to hold on as best I can, keep my head above water, and take deep breaths. I don’t want to swim against the tide, and I don’t want to drown.
Womp. There it is.
Actually, that brings something else to mind, in which I might have found some additional closure. I discovered that an ex from long ago is playing guitar in a Neil Diamond cover band, of all things. That relationship ended badly, and of all the relationships I’ve had in life, that is the only one for which no friendship remained once the dust settled. I have absolutely no interest in contacting him, but I am glad to know that he seems to have made some sort of life for himself. It’s taken a very long time for me to forgive myself for the years that I spent with him.
