sueeeus

I miss writing.

I’m back.

I hope.

is patient

is kind

does not envy

does not boast

 is not proud

does not dishonor others

is not self-seeking

is not easily angered

keeps no record of wrongs

does not delight in evil

rejoices with the truth

always protects

always trusts

always hopes

always perseveres

~I COR 13:4-7

He’s moving out. Packing his things.  Hurting.  Angry. He wants me to fight for us if I believe in us.  He wants me to ask him to stay. And I don’t. 

I tell him I’m sorry. 

I let him down.  I wish I had been stronger from the beginning.  He says I used him and that he wishes we’d never met. It’s my fault.  I told him he could believe in me and trust in me.  And I let him down.  Father, I’m sorry.  He doesn’t believe that I love him and that I’ve always loved him.  But he says these things from his hurting place. 

I don’t want him to crumble and I dont want  him to fall.  I want him to rise up and shine, glorious and victorious.  To find himself, to find his peace, to find his joy.  All these things I want for him, and he doesn’t know or understand.  Only that I’ve just pulled the plug on his life.

I don’t have the means to tell him this, other than send it out in a prayer.  Dear Lord, bless him and keep him, make him healthy and safe.  Hold him tightly, tightly, tightly in your embrace and warm him with your love and fulness, through and through.  Heal him, Father, I pray.  Take the pain from his body and from his heart and shine in him and through him so that he can see and know and feel and understand that he is and always has been loved and precious.  Bless him, Lord.

These things I pray.  And forgive me for the sorrow I’ve caused by my own wrecklessness in thinking that I could be more than who I am.  I am sorry.

Nobody truly knows our hearts but you, God.  He doesn’t know my heart and intentions from the beginning were pure and full of hope.  Just as I don’t know his heart and intentions –my perception is so far off, and  maybe his is too.  We’ve not understood each other for so long.  

I’ve tried.  I feel as though I’ve tried.

I’m sorry that I failed.

I feel good today.  I’m on the other side of a 4-day jaunt in the land of SSRIs.  I gave up, and went on them.  I gave up, and went off them. 

I give up.  I give up.  I give up.

Uncle.

I just couldn’t take the side effects, and if I took them for much longer, there would be the trauma of withdrawal to face as well.  As is, I was willing to accept any withdrawal symptoms, because I figured they couldn’t be worse than the symptoms I’ve already been enduring.

I was feeling as though I was losing track of myself.  I need some time to myself once in a while, and I just don’t seem to be able to carve any out.

I’ve decided that I will learn other ways to cope.  I will have to make time for myself.  Somehow.  I don’t need much, but I need something.

This weekend was good for me.  I had several hours to clean and tidy my house.  It feels so good to have tidy surroundings.  It makes me smile.  The simple things.  I also got to spend a little time visiting a friend who has several children, so our children entertained each other while we had some grown up visiting time.  Very nice.

9/19 Back on Celexa.  Starting to wonder if/what my cycle is.  About two years ago I quit zoloft cold turkey.  Seems like about a year ago I quit Celexa.  I can’t remember when I went on the Celexa, but I remember tolerating it very well.  Wish I could remember how/what causes me to draw the line and decide I need something.  But here I am again.

I took it last night.  This morning is Day 1. I feel tightness in my jaw, and I’m very tired.  My quads ache.  My morning blood sugar was 124, the highest it’s been in ages.  I’m fairly certain the jaw tightness is a side effect.  I hardly slept last night for other reasons, so I’m not counting that as a side effect.  The aching legs?  Dunno what’s causing that.  Blood sugar?  It’s usually higher when I have a bad night, but not that high.  I also have low appetite and low grade nausea, which are definitely side effects.  And the libido?  Obliterated.

Browsing through my archives looking for dates for my adventures with anti-depressants and I see I’ve blogged so very little in the last year.  It’s kind of sad.  I used to love to write.

Mostly I have no time.  No time.  No time.  No time.

Maybe I’m thinking that the Celexa will help me normalize again so that I don’t feel so much like my life is out of control and that I  have no time.

Here’s hoping.

—–

9/20 Day 2.  Morning blood sugar 104.  Sleep quality – good enough.  Aching quads and  hips.  Low appetite, low grade nausea and headache, blurry vision.  Noticeable irritability, but feeling less internalized if that makes sense.  I can feel the effects already, the way the med buffers things.  I’m more apt to say how I feel, even if it’s irritable.  I’m not used to being irritable.  More used to being hurt or upset, but not crabby.  Contrary appetite – craving carbs – would love to dive into coffee cake or something  horrible like that, but am not willing to pay the price.  God bless the hyper- inflated cafeteria for saving me from myself.  Scrambled eggs again.  I don’t really want them, but they seem to be the lesser of all evils.

About the buffer.  I’m not as affected by things that are said.  I hear them and have the time in my brain to process the thoughts, “That sounded crappy.  Do I care?  I don’t.”  Dismissed.  I feel better that way.  So I can tell that the meds are making this difference.  Otherwise my thoughts would be, “That sounded crappy.  Why would he say that? Why would he say it that way?  Why would he use that tone of voice?  What does he mean by that?  What does he really mean?  What is he really saying?”  See?  The meds make a difference.

9/21  Morning blood sugar 126. Lordy. Terrible headache, terrible back pain, radiating through the hip joints and the upper quads.  Low appetite.  High thirst.  I’m not used to being thirsty.  Prone to tears.

9/22 Morning blood sugar 105.  Can’t take this any longer.  Not going to take the next dose tonight.  I’d rather be depressed than go through these side effects.  My body is in so much pain.  It’s so strange that this medication has such a drastic physical effect when last time the only symptoms I felt were low grade headache and low appetite and slight dizziness.  This time around, Lordy Lordy.  I have a very high pain threshold, too.  I give  up.  I actually took a vicodin to help, and it did keep things slightly at bay for a few hours.  How crazy is that, though, to take a narcotic to offset the pain caused by an SSRI.  Craziness begets craziness.