February 13th, 2011 | 2 Comments »

Facebook is great for rediscoveries.  I recently stumbled upon one of my very first boyfriends.  We were so young — back then when going together meant sitting next to each other in the lunch room, or secretly holding hands on the band bus, en route to an event.

teenage awkwardness

Teenage antics.  There was a dance called the ‘morp’ – the opposite of ‘prom’ – in which roles were reversed and the girls asked the boys .  I wasn’t planning on going, and at the last minute, my girlfriends said they were going, so I decided to jump on the bandwagon and find a companion so I could go too.  I ambushed this poor boy with my invitation, after school on the day of the dance.  I was a sophomore, he was a senior.  I think he was stunned, but he agreed, and barely had time to rush home, take a shower, and return.  I don’t think we’d spoken a word to each other prior to the ambush, and we may have barely exchanged a word throughout the entire dance.  In fact, I might have actually ignored him completely, and hung out with my girlfriends.

And that is where we began.

puppy love

We never actually went out, other than the morp and the prom.  We were kids, poor, living out in the country in different directions from town, with very little freedom to wander.  But we were an item for that school year, and we’d sit next to each other in front of our lockers, and hang out whenever we could.  It was so sweet and innocent.  We were so sweet and innocent.

I’ve always had fond memories of that year; that chapter of my life.  I was coolly pragmatic, though, and when graduation time arrived, I let him go, broke his heart, and didn’t look back.

Through the years I’d wonder about him, off and on.  In my early twenties I heard through the grapevine that he had kidney troubles and might not have long to live.  I remember it was hard to hear that sort of thing, and I felt guilty for dropping him like a bucket of hot rocks and leaving him to pick up the pieces of his shattered heart and somehow patch them back together again.  I couldn’t process the thought of death at that time, so I did the cowardly thing and put my head in the sand, and went on with my life.

Thirty years passed.  The world wide web arrived, opening the floodgates for rediscovery.

Wonder of wonders, he survived the kidney failure(s) and is alive!  And not only that, he lives relatively nearby.  I apologized for my youthful cruelty, he graciously let bygones be bygones, and we arranged to meet, to catch up on the last three decades.

There is something warm and comforting about reconnecting with childhood friends.  We shared those formative years, and perhaps the bond feels tighter because we grew up in such a small town where everybody knew everybody.  It was a sweet reunion.  As adults, we live out of the hub in opposite directions, just like when we were kids, only the hub is much larger and the distance is much further.  We met in the city and walked arm in arm along the downtown streets and talked for hours.  We stopped for coffees, got drenched in the rain, stepped around puddles, and strolled and talked and talked and strolled.  We shared our stories of our families and friends, and reminisced about the innocence of youth.  Every now and then we’d giggle over catching glimpses of our childhood selves in expressions that crossed our aged faces.  We walked and talked the night away.

It was just what the doctor ordered.  I’m inspired to reconnect with more of my childhood friends, and awaken more fond memories.

February 12th, 2011 | 1 Comment »

I’ve just dropped the boys off with their dad.  I crave the tidbits of kid-free time that it affords me, but as soon as we part, I fall apart.  Every time.  If I’m not crying on my way home, I’m crying by the time I get there.

I’m nothing, if not consistent.

~*~*~

I try to put my finger on it.  I think a part of it is grief over the absence of a nuclear family.  It seems like it should be so simple.  Why can’t the man be the man and do his job as a man, the woman be the woman, and do her job as a woman, and the couple be a couple and do their job as a couple?  It worked in Mayberry RFD.  It seems like the Cleavers and the Cunninghams had it figured out, too.

Maybe it’s even more simple than that.  Why can’t the grownups be grownups and do what grownups are supposed to do?

~*~*~

I put some valentine goodies together for the boys to share with the other kids, and a card and box of chocolates for them to give their dad and his wife.  I wasn’t planning to do anything at all for Valentine’s Day, but it occurred to me that other kids in school will probably be exchanging valentines, and I don’t want my BB to show up empty handed and feel awkward about it.  So.  He will be well prepared.  While perusing the options, it also occurred to me that the new kids, the step-brother and sisters, would probably be delighted to receive valentines from the boys.  And of course, their dad would probably appreciate the sentiment from his boys as well.

I am a saint.

Mostly, I hope to instill thoughtfulness in my boys.  I doubt they will pick up on it much now, but if I’m consistent and steady, they will hopefully –eventually– learn to think of others, and not just themselves.

~*~*~

I have to get used to the fact that our life isn’t a storybook life.  It’s our own story, and we’re living it, and we’re living it fairly well.  I know this.  I have evidence.  My boys are healthy, boisterous, imaginative, inquisitive, humorous, and playful.  They laugh.  They tease me, tickle me, and play tricks on me.  They sleep soundly.  They are happy.  They know they are loved.