sueeeus

I’ve recently been thinking that I want to attempt to embrace myself for who I am, rather than chastising or loathing myself for not being a supermodel.  This was before I saw myself on film, after reviewing some of the footage that the kind Mr. Gadget shot during my sister’s wedding, after which the loathing and disgust was renewed and rekindled.  I’m working on suppressing it, though, and along those lines, I thought I might buy myself a trendy and fashionable outfit.  So I ventured forth.  To the mall.

First.  Why is the mall parking lot crowded at 11 a.m. on a week day   Where do these people come from   Where do they get the money to shop   How do they find time to go to the mall in the middle of the day   These questions perplex me.  Surely they didn’t all leave work early because they were on the verge of another anxiety attack and they didn’t want to be in front of people they knew when the tears started falling unexpectedly and with no explanation.

I sauntered in to Nordstrom with full confidence, looking for a specific style of Merrell shoes.  They didn’t have them.  I tried on a few other styles.  They tried to sell me on the virtues of Dansko, but I tried some recently and didn’t like the feel.  Orthopedically endorsed or not, I am much more comfortable in my Keens.  If only they had some dressier styles.

Next, I wandered in to Lane Bryant, where they carry fashions for people of my stature (yet they still display them on skinny mannequins).  I saw some jeans that I fancied, until I noted the price tag.  A hundred bucks for a pair of jeans.  Good gravy, who pays that kind of money for a pair of jeans   Granted, they were fashionable, with fun stitching and decorations, but a hundred dollars   And why would I want to draw attention to my already unattractive back side by advertising with a splay of rhinestones   I browsed the rest of the store and noted that cargo pants are aplenty.  For fifty bucks a pair.  Since I recently acquired three pairs of cargo pants at Costco, for about fifty bucks TOTAL, I’m somewhat satisfied that I am possibly actually on the verge of being de la mode (and hopefully I didn’t just say I’m on the verge of being topped with a scoop of vanilla ice cream, although, that could be nice in certain situations).  Ahem.

I returned home empty handed, too busily muttering to myself about how I dislike malls and retail shopping, to realize that my fuel light had come on.  So I headed back out, to familiar and comfortable territory.  Costco.  Gas was $2.29 a gallon — the lowest it’s been in donkey’s years.  For under $200 I got two footed sleeper jammies for my Boo Boy, two blankets, a set of night lights, a bottle of magnesium supplements (supposedly magnesium is beneficial in thwarting anxiety), 3 lbs of broccoli florets, a huge bag of celery hearts, 10lbs of onions, a set of stainless travel mugs, 144 diapers, a case of green beans (yes, I know, fresh is better, followed by frozen, but the Boo Boy, he loves them), a huge jug of picante sauce, and a big beautiful cook book from America’s Test Kitchen.  These things are much more satisfying than 1 and 3/4 pair of fashion jeans.

Sigh.  See how much I can write while I am waiting for tech support   If I haven’t mentioned lately how much I despise (yet love) technology, let it be said.  The problem of the moment is ‘datasource not found’.  None of them.  On all my sites.  (My ColdFusion sites.)  How annoying.  I know they are there.  I see them in my control panel.  Somebody’s been messing with the servers or something, because they’re not seeing the databases.  Grrrrrrrr.  And I thought I might actually take a nap or something this afternoon.  As if.

I was expressing a little frustration to my sister the other day regarding Mr. Gadget’s ideas of happiness, which seem to be centered around the accumulation of material things.  He seems to be always wanting something, and it’s usually expensive.  I think he’s remembering snippets of fun that he had during childhood that he’d like to resurrect and make part of his adult lifestyle.  That, and overcompensating for the years of being poor.  He was dirt poor when he was married before, and here I am, Sugar Mama.  It seems far too easy to let the burden of responsibility fall on my shoulders.  It seems like what I make is for the family, and what he makes is for himself.   I want him to understand the principal of the matter, in my eyes, is that family obligations come first, before self.  He’ll bring up the child support card, which is fine.  He needs to support his other child.  Absolutely.  I think he should do more to support our child as well.  It doesn’t make sense to him, somehow.  Because I make bucketfuls in comparison to him, the onus should be on me   I am where I am because I got an education and went to work, have worked hard and made sacrifices, my entire life.  He is where he is because he didn’t.  Those years drift by quickly, and if you don’t dig in and commit to change your path, nothing will change, and another decade will go by and you will not be anywhere different.  It’s just the way it is. 

After that long-winded vent, my sister pointed out that it’s human nature to seek one’s bliss, and he’s just very good at finding his own bliss.  She told me that I should try to find my own bliss. 

But I feel guilty, I said.  I feel guilty buying something, because then it would seem like he should get to buy something, too, and that puts me right back to where I was, wanting him to be more focused on investing in our family rather than himself.  So I feel tied down by that.  I don’t want him to spend on himself, so I can’t spend on myself.

Such a fine, communicative marriage.

Guilt, she said, is all on me.  Something I need to work out.  He’s not doing it to me.  I’m doing it to myself.  So here I go.  Looking for my bliss.  My guilt free bliss.

I’ve reached a stage in life where I’m much less drawn to material things and the accumulation thereof.  I’m wanting more to cleanse and purify.  Simplify.  All that said, I have to admit that I’ve just discovered bliss in 500 threadcount sheets.  Goodness gracious!  I’ve been missing out.  They are divine!  So cool and smooth to the touch.  Fabulous!  It was a Costco splurge, prompted in part by my recent diagnosis of dust mite allergy.  I never knew I had this particular allergy, and I was quite surprised at how sensitive I am.  I had a prick test on my arms and the dust mite test swelled and stayed raised for two days.  Countermeasures include ridding the home and especially the sleeping environment of dust.  The doctor even said I shouldn’t vacuum!  Honey   Oh Mr. Gadget   You will have to be vacuuming twice a week now.  For my health. 

I can imagine how well that one will fly. 

Now that I have confirmed this sensitivity, I am dreaming of hardwoods and Zen decor.  Oh how I’d love to rip out the carpeting and replace with wood.  I’m not prepared for the cash outlay though.  If only I had a magic wand!  (A working one, that is.)

Did I say something about being less materialistic in my ripened age   I think I’ve only replaced my youthful insatiable hunger for clothes, trinkets, and chotchkies (how on earth is that word spelled ) with a mid-life yearning for tranquility in the home.  Tranquility that is acquired through hardwoods, furniture with clean lines, crisp linens, stone countertops.  I would very much like an apron sink in my kitchen.  No good reason.  I just like them.  I had no idea they were so expensive.  Do I drop money into this house, and if I do, will I ever recover it   Or do I dream and wait   I think I’ll try a little of both.

I think I know my bliss (besides my Boo boy).  My bliss is my home.

It’s one of the commandments. The ones that most people remember. I was watching this cooking show on TV. Why, I have no idea. I like cooking shows, but I don’t tune in. It must have been while I was waiting for my show to come on. Whatever show that was. Anyway. The wonderfully voluptuous Italian woman was preparing some sort of fresh pasta dish and it was the first time I’d seen a porcelain covered cast iron pot in action. I was mesmerized. It was beautiful. BEE.YOO.TI.FUL. And I began to covet. What a great pot. A great everything pot. I’m all about the everything pot. So. I Googled. But I could not find it. I found something similar, but not the same.
This is by Staub, and it’s called a bouillabaisse pot. It has a volume of about 5 qts. And a price tag of about $200. TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS?!! For heaven’s sake! Good Lawwwwwd, that’s some crazy talkin’ crazy money. Mercy sakes alive, child! And the one she had was bigger, more mesmerizingly blue (with gradation, swoon). I mean it. It was a beautiful piece of kitchen ware. It’s that shape, that most captured my attention. That, the volume, and the beautiful white interior in contrast with the jeweled exterior. I fancied one in chartreuse.
I found this. This is made by Lodge. Whimsical on the ragged edge of tacky, but I like it. Also about 5 qts. Also about $200. TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS?!! Other bloggers I enjoy reading might say WTF, but I, I don’t use those words. But if I did, this would be an opportunity. (Even the abbreviation is making my ears turn red. I’m that tender about certain colorful words.) As usual, I digress.
This is made by Innova. The cheap rendition. It can be found for $40. I’ve read good reviews and bad reviews. I’m trying to figure out how it compares to Le Creuset and company. Some say well. Some say not well. I suspect it’s every bit as functional. It’s now gracing my stove. But it’s not nearly as beautiful as the original coveted piece. That shape. Sigh. Those colors. Sigh. Are they worth $160 (or more) more I could never justify such an expense. And, of course, it’s doubtful that I will be performing as fantastic works of culinary art as those I witnessed on TV. I’m sure this piece will suit me just fine. It’s quite gorgeous if it’s not being compared to the others. Sigh.

I won them on eBay. I bought a pair in late 2001 from one of those roadshow vendors who set up shop in the mall during the holidays. The first pair cost $100, which was much much much more than I would normally ever spend on a pair of shoes, but it was Christmas time, I was in love, and I decided it was okay. I wore those boots nearly every day for three years. My feet swelled too much in pregnancy and I couldn’t fit them any more, and the soles cracked where the foot bends, so they were no longer water proof. Not the prettiest shoes, but the comfort, weight, all-purpose usefulness, and easy to slip on/off features more than made up for the looks. And they don’t look so bad. Nice and nondescript. The manufacturer touted the sole as extremely long wearing, and it was. The surface was barely worn at all. But it did eventually give way from the act of stepping. I’ve been looking for a replacement pair, and trying to spend less than $100. Almost all the options that I could find ended up being $100 after postage. It appears to be a competitive market. Or, at least, the competitors keep track of each other’s prices, so there’s very little variation. Good for them, not so good for me. I finally won a pair on eBay, but I had to get up at 4 a.m. to finish the bidding, because it was closing on Australia time. The postage cost as much as the shoe! But well worth it. I spent about $45 US total. A deal! They arrived yesterday, and I’m so pleased. I got a half size bigger, to accommodate my post pregnancy shoe size. A half size is significant in AU sizing. It seems much more dramatic than a half size US. Needless to say, there is plenty of room in this new boot. It feels a bit different. Tighter in the heel. (Not a bad thing.) Maybe a bit more narrow in general, but that may be because my others were well worn and broken in. The leather’s not as shiny, but again, I had been regularly polishing the others. I’m pleased. But I still like my first pair better. Maybe it’s a first love kind of thing.

It’s very effective. I took some digital photos of things I wanted to be rid of last Thursday evening, posted ads on Friday morning, and had most things sold and out of my house by Friday evening. How efficient is that It’s a rush! Free, easy to use classified ads. I love it! Of course, it helps to price things so low that people will snap them up in a heartbeat. Still. It’s a great service, and I am pleased. I don’t know if it’s as effective everywhere as it is here in the Squished Piggy suburbs, but they do have ‘branches’ all over the world. Too. Cool.

www.craigslist.com

I went to Costco yesterday to place an order for a birthday cake, and left the store with three sets of canisters (they were only $9.97 so how could I pass that up ), some tie downs and a cold heat welder gizmo (these are gifts for a brother-in-law), a huge pasta stock pot with a neat draining sieve lid thingy (gift for a sister-in-law) and a set of cookware pour moi. I stopped to admire a nice looking pan and fell victim to the peddler and her sales schpiel. I’ve been looking for the perfect ‘everything’ pan, as I’m trying to simplify my life and belongings and equip my kitchen with only the essential things that work perfectly for my cooking needs, but there was such a deal on the complete set package that I took the bait. I parted with quite alot of $$ that day, and have just found an interesting article about this cookware. This site, Cooking for Engineers appeals to my analytic side for sure. I think I’ve been had. (I must say that the non-stick demo was very impressive, though.) At least it’s Costco and I can return it if I decide I can’t live with being had, even if I make that decision months, or even a year from now. I still love Costco. I confess.