sueeeus

There has been quite a bit of drastic change exacted on the organization from which I glean my livelihood.  We, as a business unit, have been decimated.  The ax has fallen more than once, and those who remain are wondering what will happen next.  Is the ax looming, the powers that be positioning it just so, for the maximum impact of a swift clean blow?  How should we interpret the writing on the wall?  One could ignore it, and say to oneself that surely, surely the powers that be have an inkling of the long term ramifications of business decisions being implemented now, and these powers that be couldn’t, wouldn’t possibly do something so asinine as to cripple future growth potential by effectively flushing some of their core values down the toilet.  That would be based on the empty assumption that the decision makers apply logic, and use valid business case scenarios to steer their decisions.

Alas.

I ask myself why.  Why are they doing this?  What do they expect to gain?  There is always talk of reducing costs and capturing more of the market share –standard corporate goals.  Somebody must have put together some sort of compelling chart that shows just that.  Or is this somebody’s glory chasing move?  Did one of the golden ones dream up an empire and sell the notion to the council who sagely nod in agreement, lo, it must be good and lo, make it so.

These golden ones are so far removed from the inner workings of the company that they have absolutely no idea how things get done.  They are looking at oversimplified numbers such as the cost of labor, and making jarring decisions based on such.

It seems that the decision makers make their decisions, bask in the limelight of their short term glory, then move onward, upward and away.  Backs are patted, congratulations are extended.  When the dust settles, the company reels in the aftermath, and the forces in the trenches (i.e., those like me) scramble to pick up the pieces and rebuild from the rubble.

I’m angry.  I’ve carefully avoided the word ‘career’ for most of the last 28 years, but it’s fair to say that my livelihood for the past 28 years is and has been important to me.  Most of the time I’ve been able to keep the nose to the grindstone and focus on my work, at the lowest level, and avoid the flatulence that wafts about above me.  In so doing, my colleagues and I have carved a niche of excellence in which we take pride in what we do.  We are steady.  We take care of business.  We keep things going smoothly.  We run like a well-oiled machine.

I like my job.  I like my coworkers.  I like my business unit.  I like what we do.  I like what we stand for.  I don’t want to see a perfectly healthy business go down the drain.  I don’t want to have to change jobs.

One thing is certain.  I am shaken.

And I don’t like it.

At all.

How’s that for a title?

I had quite a bit more stuff written here, blah blah blah, but I think the title pretty much sums it  up.

a bit morbid, yet a bit brilliant, and a bit apropos as well

And lo, it came to pass –a messenger came forth with a royal proclamation from the echelons on high.  It is hereby decreed that heretofore and notwithstanding, thy kingdom shall be divided in two.  Half of the crops, the herds, the fruits and the wares of the land shall be moved to another kingdom far and anon.  And what of the serfs who tend the holdings?  Shall the serfs be sent to a foreign land to tend the crops, the herds, the fruits and the wares, and establish them in a new country?  Ah, but no.  Alas, the decree is such that the crops, the herds, the fruits and the wares shall be given to the new kingdom, but the serfs will be released to establish themselves elsewhere.  But m’lord, one serf implored.  We have tended these crops, these herds, these fruits and these wares for years upon years.  Our crops, our herds, our fruits, our wares are foreign to others, but well familiar to us.  Be of good cheer, spake the messenger.  Our kingdom has new crops, new herds, new fruits and new wares — surely the serfs will rejoice at the opportunity to seek a place among these new holdings.

A blanket of silence filled the land.  The serfs shook their heads in sorrow and disbelief.  Some bristled with anger and indignation.  Who is the magistrate behind such a senseless edict?  In a new land, in the hands of an unfamiliar serfdom, the crops may fail, the herds may weaken, the fruits may spoil and the wares may crumble.  The kingdom will in no wise find more wealth through the dissemination of its crops, its herds, its fruits and its wares.

Woe.  Woe unto us, the toilers of this kingdom.  This crumbling kingdom.

And so it is in the land; there is much weeping and gnashing of teeth.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I started this post on March 23rd.  I can’t recall the day we heard the news, that it wasn’t just another rumor, but an edict from on high.  A massive restructure in which we are literally slashed in two.  We are seasoned people with a wealth of knowledge.  Most of us have twenty or more years of experience with the company, if not this organization.  Eighteen of my 27 years with the company have been devoted to this organization.  Our contribution is significant.  This restructuring makes little sense from the inside, and the long term effects will likely have astronomical costs.  I suspect it may produce some short term improvement in stock prices, which seems to be the focus from the echelons on high.  So myopic.  I generally don’t write about work, and I certainly keep myself from the politics and shenanigans that swirl around in the corporate atmosphere.  But this time it’s hit so close to home.  So close.  I happen to be standing on the leg that isn’t being amputated, and for that I am supremely grateful.  And wary.  And devastated for my friends and coworkers who are standing on the leg that is soon to be amputated.

They are scrambling to make life changes.  Some have already found new jobs.  Better to jump ship before it sinks.  They will have the best chance of finishing their careers in peace and dignity.  Today, Saturday, I received a phone call from a coworker.  I assumed he needed me to work some urgent data for him — I’m always on call for such things — but he had simply misdialed.  He explained that he was moving from his home to another place, and for some reason someone needed his boss’s phone number.  He was trying to track that down and dialed me instead.  (My phone is forwarded, because I’m always on call…)  He apologized, and said goodbye.  I was nearly overwhelmed with sadness, upon hanging up the phone.  This man is forced to restructure his life, after steadily and stably contributing years upon years to his profession.  I have absolutely no grasp of what logic has driven or how much thought, preparation and planning has been given to this massive restructuring.  From where I sit, it has the appearance of a whim. A knee jerk reaction to something.  Maybe a power play to capture a fleeting moment of glory or to register a notch in someone’s performance review.  Either way, it has the odor of personal gain and greed.

It is a crock, and it stinketh.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

We don’t know what’s in store for us.  We can no longer take for granted that our jobs are stable.  We’re in service, and as long as there is a product to support, one would think that our jobs would remain stable.  One would think.  But that would be logic, and logic no longer seems to be relevant.  Business.  What ever happened to the business model in which a company delivers an excellent product that it stands behind, provides excellent customer support, for which customers in turn remain loyal, and return business or refer business.  The employees take pride in their contribution to the whole, and the world turns smoothly.  These days, it seems that companies try to produce the minimum level of quality that the consumer will be willing to pay for, and let the support go by the wayside.  It may make for a better profit margin in the short term, but it speaks doom for the long term.  The corporate world has cancer.  It’s called greed.  And it makes me sick.  And sad.  And it makes me ponder such things as where will I go and what will I do if this job that I do comes to an end.

This is not to say that I am unaware of how fortunate I am to have such an excellent job in the first place.  I am grateful for what I have, and I absolutely love the people I work with.  We have been together for decades.  We’ve grown up together.  Grown old together.  Shared triumphs and tragedies together.  I love my job.  I love my people.  I hate to see us shaken up like this.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Go thy way, eat thy bread with joy, and drink thy wine with a merry heart.  Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might.

Eccl 9:7, 10

I am happy to bid adieu to 2012.  I would say that 2012 took me for a ride, but it would be more honest to say that I let 2012 take me for a ride.  I could call it the ride of a lifetime.  Woohoo!  Put a bright spin on it.  A ride indeed.  I think I may have experienced some of the highest highs and the lowest lows of my life in good ‘ole 2012.

It’s all good, really.  My life is full.  My children are happy and healthy.   We have a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs, food in our bellies, and warm beds to sleep in.

There is beauty and wisdom in all things, no matter the circumstance.  It just takes a certain perspective to be able to see it.

I won’t say that losing one’s children to the slaughter of a mad man has any beauty in it, but the shock and the horror force (some of) us to take note of our family circles, be more vigilant, hold our children more, and be more grateful for every little moment, and embrace it all.  Even when we’re at our wits end and drowning in frustration.  All these things are trifles.  I want to drink it all in.  Treasure. Every.  Moment.

The time that the children are children is fleeting.  I blinked my eyes and see so many of my nieces and nephews and my friends’ children are already grown.  Grown!  Where did the years go?

My hair is turning (more) gray.  My skin is starting to show its wear.

Professionally, I did well in 2012.  I had some lofty goals and I had actually admitted defeat to myself as well as my boss that it was unlikely that I’d be able to finish the super project before the end of the work year.   I pressed on, and somehow (by the grace of God and the skin of my teeth) I did it!  I felt like a superstar, and it was a great sense of accomplishment.  I don’t think it really mattered much to anyone but me, that I finished by the deadline, but it did matter to me, and I was/am pleased with myself  –pauses to pat self on back.  I suppose I ought to acknowledge that being a superstar for a moment barely compensates for all the days that my performance was distracted and disjointed from the emotional fray that I was buried in for the better part of the year.

Spiritually I’ve had some growth in 2012.  Not the sort of growth that a mainstream Christian might acknowledge or agree with, but I’ve learned some things and for that I’m grateful.  I thought that I wanted to settle into a church family, but realize that I’m truly not drawn that way.  I love the people, I love the worship.  But I belong to a church that is not made with hands, and that church is my home, wherever I am.  I don’t hunger for the company of a congregation, and I’m secure in the knowledge that I am a child of God.

This year has been a rough ride for me emotionally.  I’ve endured much.  I’ve made my loved ones endure much.  I tried so very hard to do more than I am able to do.  Like that image of a circus performer spinning plate after plate after plate.  I had so many plates spinning, but I just couldn’t keep it up, and they all came crashing down.  Lord, how I tried.  I gave it a good shot, though!

Physically, the twists and turns and ups and downs have taken their toll.  Whereas I’ve maintained my weight for most of the year, the past few months have seen a dramatic change in overall physical well-being.  From the moment that I made the decision to re-find myself, I’ve put on weight and my blood sugar has climbed.  Something’s got to give, I suppose.  I’m trying not to panic.  I’m attempting to take it in stride and breathe deeply, knowing that things will settle once I get a stronger grip on the emotional side of my life.

So where am I now?  I don’t really know.  In transition, I suppose.  I’m not settled.  I’m not where I want to be.  But I’m changing and standing faithfully where I need to stand.  I tell myself not to be afraid.  I tell myself that everything will be okay.  And it is.

adieu 2012

I’m feeling troubled.  It’s been a trying weekend.  Friday morning two of my production sites went haywire, and it was a scramble to try and get them fixed, to no avail.  Server migration and database connectivity issues.  Ho hum.  I have a pretty good idea of what needs to be done to repair everything, but conveying that to the help desk with the right telephone keypad menu choices is practically impossible.  So much for automated system support.  I kept checking status and resubmitting tickets all weekend long.  Again, to no avail.  Monday rolls around and I’m frantically chasing things down.  One of my tickets got linked to someone else’s ticket, and ended up in a database admin’s queue, which did neither of us any good.  I know there are reasons why server administration is tightly governed, but sometimes it would be so nice to be allowed some control over these things.  I could have fixed my problem in 5 minutes or less, but it took 3 days.

Somewhere in the midst of all that I had the thought that I really shouldn’t let it bother me so much.  The world will continue and 3 days in the scheme of things is 3 days.  Nobody will remember it after everything’s up and running again.

Friday evening when everyone had gone to bed, we heard some annoying revving sounds in the distance.  They went on for quite some time, so D got up to look out the window, and saw a man standing at the edge of the deck staircase on the side yard, as if he were about to come up to the house.  D got up and went to investigate and I stayed put for a little while, then I called the neighbors and told them we’d seen somebody lurking.  They called the sheriff.  Meanwhile, I noticed that my bedroom slider was ajar.  I use that door to step onto the bedroom patio when I need to use the phone, because I don’t get a signal inside the house, but it has been days since I took a call upstairs.  So I’m perplexed at the door being ajar, and wondering how long it’s been that way.

So many questions.  We live out in the country.  We’re not walking distance from anything or anyone.  There’s no reason for a pedestrian to be out and about, let alone walking in or across my property, and especially not at 9 pm in the pitch black night of winter.

D and I checked every nook and cranny of my house.  He said the lights inside my car were on, in the garage.  Odd.  The kids tend to leave their lights on from time to time, but these were the front cabin lights, and they never touch them.  Strange.

I’m left with the feeling that somebody might have been in my house or my garage or both.

It’s creepy, and very hard to even think about.  The whole weekend D stuck around, and I was so glad for his presence.  What if he hadn’t been there?  What if that car hadn’t been making all that noise off in the distance?  What if that man would have come into my house?  What if he’d have come in through my bedroom slider?

I kept thinking that I don’t even have the emotional capacity to be afraid.  It’s too much for me.  I didn’t have any room for fear.  It was an odd and interesting mental and emotional place to find myself.  Later, Sunday, after D had gone home and after I put the kids to bed, I climbed into bed and thought about things and sobbed for a little while, allowing myself to consider fear.  And while I was thinking about it, praying about keeping my family safe, I prayed for that guy.  Bless those who curse you.  I hope that whatever drove him to lurk on my property has departed and that his heart and intent from here forward will be to be good and not cause trouble for himself or anybody else.

Back to tonight.  I’m exhausted after a long work day.  I asked D if he wanted to Skype for a little while.  We were on for only a few minutes and he said he wanted to go.  I said goodbye, and felt queasy, as though my insides were churning.  Minutes later he posted on FaceBook that he’s ” feeling ??  not sure what to do”.

Friday morning Gadget’s daughter gave birth to a healthy baby girl.  He’s a grandpa now, and by some weird extension, I’m a sort of ex step grandma.  Meanwhile some crazy person in Connecticut took the lives of so many people, so many children.  I can’t even think about it, it hurts too much.  And later that day, all of the above.

It’s exhausting, all of this.  I’m feeling worn out on all levels.

All levels.

tunnel of lights

I’ve been coming to terms with the commute and yesterday found some moments of joy in the early morning light.  As I drove along the southbound express lanes, there was a point before daylight where the street lights aligned with the reflectors on the freeway lane dividers and the effect was as though I were driving through a tunnel of lights.  It was lovely.  Magical, even.  Amidst that moment of wondrous reflection, I noticed the city lights to my right.  Had I stayed in my former residence, I would never have had the opportunity to behold this jewel of a city in this special time before daylight arrives, and a jewel it is.  We have such a beautiful city skyline, and it sparkles in multicolored splendor.  I felt my face softening with the smile that emerged as I basked in gratitude for the privilege of beholding this beauty.  Blessings abound if we but open our eyes.

city lights

That said, leaving the house a few minutes late can double the commute time, which is nothing short of excruciating.

morning blur

Today I spent the day working in the fancy facility that happens to be much closer to my home than my normal office.  The Taj.  It’s a beautiful building with expansive windows and skylights, a skybridge to its sister tower, numerous escalators and elevators, and casual conference seating areas scattered about the atrium on all levels of the building.  I noticed a dry cleaning drop box and a DVD return box.  I was a bit perplexed until I stumbled upon the employee resources area where one can rent movies, pick up their freshly cleaned clothes, and shop for gifts and various sundries.  There is a bank branch area with a live teller.  A live teller!  Not just an ATM machine.  There is a company store, separate from the other gift shop.  There is a [commercial] coffee shop with baristas and pastries.  Baristas!  The cafeteria is enormous with several themed dining options.  It felt like I was in a city or a shopping plaza.  It was overwhelming.  Far from my comfort zone.  I walked out on the terrace and found a private bench nestled among giant planters filled with foliage where I hid had my lunch and breathed deeply the wonderful crisp November air, trying to fend off the anxiety.  My work facility is a customer facing area, so our digs aren’t too shabby.  Or so I thought, before I experienced The Taj.  They have dry cleaning and DVD rentals.  We have complimentary hand sanitizer.  I think that all those amenities are intended to sum up to the conclusion that The Taj is a great place to work.  But I don’t think it’s a great place for me.

I was considering spending one day a week at this facility, but am having second thoughts.  The facility is huge, and the building where my counterparts work is not The Taj, so maybe it will be palatable after all.  I will explore further before I decide whether I want to branch this direction or not.

I stand in condemnation and read the words on the page that summarize conclusions about my personality, my issues, my mental state.  People who love me have taken it upon themselves to make conclusions about me, and speak authoritatively, as if they know.  As. If. They. Know.

If I rise up in indignation, does that mean there is credence in the accusations?  If I were innocent, I wouldn’t have anything to be angry about, and why would I care what anybody says or thinks?  That’s a bunch of bullshit, though.  I care what people say and think, whether it has credence or not.  THAT is one of my personality flaws.  Whether or not it matters, whether or not it’s true.  I only want goodness for everyone and for myself.  From the time I was a child, I was hyper sensitive to these things.  Always wanting to do the right thing.  To please everyone.  Not to let anyone down.  It’s the core of me.  Do I need therapy to correct that?  I don’t know.  Maybe.  What is wrong with trying to be good?

I actually HAVE had counseling for that very thing.  The bottom line:  if the manifestation of my people pleasing tendencies serve me well, amen.  If they don’t serve me well, then pay attention and be aware.  Case in point.  I kick ass in my professional life.  Kick. Ass.  People pleasing has served me well.  I’m an over-achiever.  I get things done single handedly that take entire departments to do.   Cradle to grave.  Me.  Just me.  Requirements. Design.  Architecture.  Business model.  Business case. Construction. Test. Debug. Release. Communication.  Training. Process definition.  Project management.  Change management.  Documentation.  The business. Analysis.  Diagnosis.  Troubleshooting.  Corrective  action.  Tracking.  Statistics.  Marketing. Support.  Administration. Business focal. Technical focal.  Information Technology focal.  ALL OF IT.  And my reward?  I’m respected in my field, by my peers and my management.  I’ve been promoted as high as I can go.  I’m recognized and esteemed.  It serves me well.

And what of my mental instability?  I’ve blogged ad nauseum for years.  I work through my stuff here.  Openly.

“What you’ve been through since your divorce is kind of making it seem like your marriage to Gadget wasn’t that bad after all.  At least you had some stability.  I envisioned you crusading forth like other single moms, but that’s not the path you’ve taken.”

Now that’s a kicker. The suffocating abyss in which I lived was preferable to the life I live now.  I’ve met a lot of men in the last two years, but I haven’t paraded them through my kids’ lives.  Met, not dated.  Yes, two men have come and gone in that time.  Does that make me unstable?  Of course I would rather have met the right one and stayed with him.  But I didn’t.  How the hell does anyone know whether someone fits unless they try?  So I’ve tried.  God bless me for picking myself back up, brushing off the dust, and starting over again.  So why the condemnation? Mama ain’t no ho. I’m not going to put myself or my children in harm’s way.   And even if I were drunken and delirious and high and completely blind in the moment, it would become evident in very short course, and I would snap out of it and that would be that.  So why drag someone through the dirt and invoke unnecessary pain?

I’m not trying to fill a hole in my life with somebody or some thing.  I stand strong as a complete human being.  I am good.  I am whole.  I am not broken.  I DON’T NEED ANY BODY OR ANY THING.

I want somebody though.  Want!  Not need.  I want to spend the rest of my life with one and only one man.  The rest of my life.  Every breathing moment.  I want to be a devoted and loving wife to a devoted and loving  husband.  I want my kids to grow up with a positive male influence.  I want them to have a step-dad.

Who the hell has the right to tell me I shouldn’t want these things?  It’s MY life.  My decision.

I have been working for the man for the better part of my life, now.  Twenty. Five. Years.  A quarter of a century.  Holy smokes!

For my constancy and dedication, there is great reward. Yes, the coveted parking pass.  Now I can park in a general parking spot, inside the gates.  This privilege is somewhat moot–  Or rather, lucky for me, my office is not in the gated campus and happens to have covered parking already.  I’ve been living the sweet life for decades!

But I have a dedicated parking pass, by golly.  Neener neener.

Yes, my company goes all out.  I get the pleasure of dining with the executives and sharing some highlights of my career.  My, oh my, am I ever looking forward to that.  What story will I share?

The time the VP introduced me as Mister Maximus?

The time the director told me that I couldn’t work in the field because there’s no telling when I might get married and have kids and leave the job after they’ve invested so much in my training and relocation etc etc etc?  (If I had been half smart, I’d have had a killer lawsuit.  But I’m just not that smart.  And I’m non-confrontational.  And if I’d had a crystal ball, I could have told him that I have a hostile womb and an uncooperative reproductive system and I just won’t be having little ones for another twenty years or so.)

I could talk about the time I went to Manchester, England as the lead on a technical assist team, much to the team’s chagrin, because having a woman around seemed to cramp their style.  When the cat’s away, the mice will play, and that time, the mice didn’t get to play (as much as they’d have liked to).

I could talk about the time I was training a new guy, and he fell asleep as I was talking to him.  I know, I’m riveting.

I could talk about my love triangle and probabilities – what are the odds that my ex-boyfriend would take an internship with my company prior to going off to grad school, and land a job in the very same group as my new boyfriend?  Further, that the Casanova coworker who trained me would also transfer to that very same group?  This group of twenty in a company of over one hundred thousand (at that time).  Awkward!

I could talk about my experience working on a tech assist with the Koreans, and how they ignored me and wouldn’t let me help for most of the night, until I finally was able to break through to them (or they just gave up or gave in).   I can be persistent– I’m part Korean too!  Actually, I shared with them that I am half Korean, and they shook their heads with disapproval and disbelief that I don’t know or speak any Korean.  Unthinkable!  One kind man took it upon himself to explain the Korean alphabet to me, and by the end of the evening, the technical crisis was resolved, the Korean alphabet was neatly written, and we  thanked each other and parted ways with smiles all around.

Maybe I’ll talk about the time I transferred to another organization against the advice of almost everybody I knew, bent over backwards to completely overhaul things and single handedly obliterated the entire backlog, only to be rewarded with a goose egg at the end of the year.  That was the time that I posted my salary chart publicly with a big red caption, “What’s wrong with this picture?” and wrote a lengthy impassioned email about [not] valuing employees, researched the entire management chain from my first level to the CEO, put them all on distribution and hit send.  Then thought, oh CRAP, I’m going to be fired.  Only a few middle managers made any comment.  I was just a voice crying in the wilderness.

I have no complaints.  The company has been good to me.  Unpleasant hiccups in the journey caused me to change paths here and there along the way, and ultimately propelled me to the sweet spot where I now earn my bread and butter.

I work with a fantastic bunch of people.  We have grown up and grown old together.  Marriages, divorces, births, graduations, retirements, joys, sorrows, tragedies, triumphs.  We  have been through so much together.

It has been a worthwhile twenty five years.

And to commemorate this fine moment?  I treated myself to some bling.  Yep.  The railroad watch.  Didn’t the railroad companies reward their employees in days of yore with a gold watch after a notable tenure?  My company wouldn’t do that for me –they already went all out with the parking pass– but I can do it for myself!  A whole bunch of teeny tiny diamonds and pretty dials and buttons that I’ll probably never use.   Form, fit and function.  The engineering trinity. It’s nice to know that it does have function to accompany its fine form and fit.  I like it.

say cheese - it's the railroad watch

Happy Anniversary to me!

I have too much work to do.  My work / life balance is awry.  It has been forever, but it’s even worse now.

When others know you are competent, capable, and dependable, they come knocking on your door.  I once used pregnancy and maternity leave as an excuse not to take on a particular task.  It was a genius and rare opportunity, to have a card like that to play.  Little did I know that a year later the same task reared its head, and I had no more babies to help me steer clear of it.  I should have known it would be waiting for me. This is corporate America, after all, where some projects take years, YEARS, to complete.  So I did it.  And saw it through.  And there was much joy and celebration in the land.  But sometimes, endings are only beginnings.  The original task is complete, but now there is the responsibility of the sustaining tasks.  And I am, by default, the expert.

I don’t mind, really, being considered an expert, and being called upon for various matters.  Many of the the new things are quite interesting.  The problem is that I have a ‘day job’.  I have a full time workload before any of the special projects come into play.

Day tight compartments.  That’s a technique I learned from Dale Carnegie training.  Rather than let the big picture cripple me, portion the expectations into daily compartments, and focus only on one day at a time.  This day.  Today.  Now.  I can do this much.  I will do this much. I must do this much.

By this time, a week from Friday, it will all be behind me, and I will have accomplished all of it.  And there will be joy and celebration in the land.  As for today?  I have a LOT to do, and better get to it!

plunge

I had to do a little public speaking yesterday.  I was on the agenda for an international business conference during which I led a software training session.  Basically.  I’m not very comfortable in front of a crowd, but I figured that the audience would most likely be predominantly male, so why not dress to distract.  If my presentation skills faltered, they’d likely be more forgiving, right?  Right.

peek-a-boobage

So I wore a very low cut blouse.  Very. Low. Cut.  There was a peek-a-boo risk.  Oops, did I just flash some boobage?  Oops.  Pardonez moi.

so close and yet so far

Even my little one was drawn to my ample bosom.  Something that NEVER happens.  He rejected me from the get-go, just like his brother. Such a waste.  Sigh.  But I digress.

dolled to dazzle

So I dolled myself up and set out to dazzle.  (Note the reflection in the shower door shows the tunic and low slung belt.  –I had to keep the cardigan on because the blouse is a slinky nightclub sleeveless number, which is not quite business professional appropriate…)

I am pleased to report that it worked like a charm.  I entered the conference hall, scanned the crowd, and confirmed that I was the only woman in the room.  And wouldn’t you know, the men were engaged and animated during the nearly 2 hour session, and afterward several made a specific point to shake my hand, thank me for a fine presentation, and introduce themselves.

Yes, I was chuckling inside.  It totally worked, this sex appeal jazz.  An ego boost like that feels pretty good, once or twice a decade.

I’ll take it!

I actually did do a good job, all told.  I walk the talk, and am not just a statistic of a woman who gets to hold a man’s spot in the corporate world to satisfy government equal opportunity laws.  Even so, the visual effects don’t hurt.