sueeeus

In light of recent events, I am taking it upon myself to simplify my life. I’ve removed many of the links from my blog stalking list. I spend far too much time reading other people’s blogs, and while I greatly enjoy this activity, I must cut back and be less obsessive. I’ve left a few links, and these fine folks have links to the blogs that I’ve removed from my list, so I will still stalk from time to time, while passing through. I’ve added a few people to my links. These are people who have shared warmth and compassion from across the miles, and I would like to gently stalk them so that I can return the warmth and send good thoughts their way.

One step at a time, bit by bit, I want to find my way to the place where I savor life, all aspects of it, more fully. So layer by layer, I must peel away the extras, until I reach that gleaming core.

Today’s theme is Addiction. Suddenly addiction is a difficult word for me. I would make light of it in earlier days, but now, there is a solemn hush that settles in my mind when I consider the word. Addiction. In some form or another, Addiction reared its ugly head and consumed my brother, rendering him nearly unrecognizable, and barely a shell of his former self. Ultimately, a vessel only, with no life remaining. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. His earthly vessel is no more than dust now, and his spirit and soul have been released into forever, where he is free and at peace, himself once more, unentangled and unencumbered by addiction. Addiction. HOW UGLY YOU ARE! I shout it to the universe. LEAVE US ALONE! Alas, we are not wholly powerless in the matter. We fall snare to addiction by our own choices. It’s a subtle dance we dance. Seldom do we see it coming, and if we do, often we look the other way. It won’t happen to me. Who gets the last laugh Not you. Not me. Addiction.

I don’t want to make light of addictions today. Today I will show and tell my obsessions. Similar, but not quite the same. I have many obsessions. I am somewhat OCDly (Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorderly), after all. I made up my own acronym-adjective, thank you very much. Or is that an adverb I am awful with grammatical terms and definitions, although I can sometimes manage to string words together in a not-too-unpleasing way.

Obsession Category: The quest for perfection. Currently the quest is for the perfect tea and coffee cup. Volume, density, weight, shape, design, color, price. These are all important factors. Previous quests included the search for the perfect pepper mill. I didn’t find it. I gave up and then sold most of my surplus on eBay. The measure was found at J. Paul Getty Museum restaurant in Los Angeles. A compact stainless steel device that ground fine to coarse with such smooth perfection. I could never find its equal.

Other obsessions can be read about, ad nauseum, if one were to peruse this blog. The number one obsession, unparalleled, unmatched, hands down, is none other than MY BOY BOO. As it should be.

Even when times are sad, the beauty and innocence of a child does wonders to heal a broken heart.
Especially when said child is this cute. I took him on an airplane with trepidation in my heart, but my little champion did splendidly. He met his cousins for the first time, and dressed up and went trick-or-treating. He liked being part of the group. He is oh, so fierce and ferocious, don’t you think I already had the fabric from previous projects, and only needed to buy the fur. It was $20/yd, but I just bought 6 inches and had plenty for the effect. I like the boots and hat the best.

1. Seek knowledge and understanding of depression in its many forms and the myriad ramifications thereof; causes and consequences and how they feed and fuel one another.
2. Learn warning signs.
3. Communicate more openly with my family.
4. Consider No. 1 prior to expressing opinions while endeavoring to accomplish No. 3 so that any words that come forth from me are edifying and if not edifying, then simple unadulterated truth. In either case, spoken in love and love only.
5. Find answers that I can give the children should they bring their tears to me.
6. Honor life more.
7. Love myself more.
8. Live more simply.
9. Impart in my child the deep and abiding knowledge that I love him unconditionally now and forever, no matter what.
10. Savor life in all its moments, mundane or not.
11. Forgive.
12. Love more.

He loved Les Mis, and this song keeps playing in my head.

…I dreamed a dream in times gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung
No wine untasted
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

…But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So much different from this hell I’m living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed
The dream I dreamed.

Six of Nine, sweet brother of mine. I will always remember you as the bright eyed boy in the farmer overalls with your plaid flannel shirt buttoned up to the neck. Your first day of school. Waiting for the bus. Pant legs rolled up. A bucket filled with crayons, glue and pencils clenched in your little hand. You were my buddy. You were always my bestest little buddy, and you could hide in my room any time and I wouldn’t let anybody hurt you. And when you were a little bit older we used to stay up late late late, playing cards and drinking tea. Those were good times, back then, when we were young and innocent and beautiful. If only we all could have stayed young and innocent and beautiful. Six of Nine, sweet brother of mine, how I will miss you. Six of Nine, dear brother of mine, I wish you knew how much I loved you. Six of Nine, brother of mine, I’m not ready to say goodbye.

The tasks I get paid for are complete for the day. A big pot of soup is simmering for supper. I wasn’t hungry at lunch time, but now that I am hungry I don’t feel like preparing anything because I just used up all my prep energy on the soup. What to do, what to do. Wait until supper, I guess. Take a nap. Read a book. Go for a walk. Waste time blogging. Vacuum. I wrote a list of things to do once I finished my work.

• fold laundry – check
• clean kitchen – check (Dishwasher loaded, surfaces cleared and wiped down. It’s not spotless, but good enough for now, anyway.)
• vacuum
• dust
• sweep
• mop
• water plants
• make soup – check
• remove rotten food from fridge – check
• take the compost out – check
• make list of all the other things that need to be done (and this is a substantial list)

I keep ambitious lists, but I generally run out of steam after only a few items. I’ve decided to blow off the rest of the above list, and am contemplating whether I will take a nap, read a book, or go for a walk. I’m already wasting time blogging. I would feel good if I took a walk, but my eyes feel scratchy from accumulated sleep deprivation. I would love to read. But I think the nap is going to win, this time. Oh, for more time in the day. Now to take the nap without feeling guilty. I’ve not learned how to master that one. Because really, since I have all this extra time on my hands, shouldn’t I be more productive, or be a better mother and go get my baby from daycare and spend more quality time with him I could go get him and try to persuade him to take a nap with me. Ha! I’m insane. Besides, we get our quality time at 2:30 a.m. Every day. And more at 4*. My cup runneth over.

Actually, he was starting to sleep a bit longer and a bit better, but he had a flu shot last week and it seems to have thrown off his schedule a bit. He’s not too interested in his solid food and he’s been crying and cranky during the day off and on, and during the night as well, which is so unlike him. He may be teething some more as well.

Sometimes I sing a silly song, Loving You, to my Bugaboo. It’s especially excruciating at the high part, but I give it my best shot. A friend of mine just sent me a link to a rendition that some clever person has taken the time to concoct, and it’s so bugly appropos, except the squishing part. Bugging You. It’s a flash file. Hopefully with nothing malicious embedded.

1. Sue needs to establish a web site
2. Susan needs to understand that she needs to be building up her language
3. Sue needs a home
4. Sue needs to redeem some of the IOUs
5. Sue needs to go back to school to learn the basics of What Not to Wear
6. SUE NEEDS YOU
7. sue needs to grow up a little lmao
8. Sue needs to reflect on the concept of self-preservation
9. Sue needs some advice on how to maintain the garden
10. Sue needs to save a swarm of little kids from evil Granny Clotkin

The most results seem to be from the meme game itself, so perhaps it’s becoming skewed, or perhaps that is the point. At any rate, there may be some truth to most of these, but I don’t know what a little Imao is. I could Google it. But I don’t feel like doing that right now. I have to go save a swarm of little kids from an evil granny.

I stumbled across another meme while reading the Old Horsetail Snake. I don’t know why I like memes, lists, and the like so much. But I do. It’s a self-tagging meme. How polite.

Fill in the blank:

Feeling ________ (woosy, just when I thought I was done being sick).

Listening to ________ (the steady whoosh whoosh of the Lactina).

Spent last night ________ (trying not to think about how I’m going to pay the piper come April 15th, ‘cuz I just spent it all).

Missing ________ (my nieces and nephews).

Had breakfast of ________ (coffee, and a giant plate of imaginary hashed browns, toast, and scrambled eggs).

Thinking of ________ (how to expeditiously amass a nestegg large enough to live modestly and indefinitely from the interest thereof).

Would love to ________ (get a good night’s sleep).

Planning to ________ (build my dream home).

Working to ________ (get over myself).

Favorite time of day is ________ (morning).

Always wanted to play ________ (Classical Gas on guitar).

Dreaming of ________ (being small and wearing fabulous things).

A dream comes true when ________ (a 10lb 7oz healthy baby boy is born).

Would like to French kiss ________ (Eeew, nobody. Not while I’m lactating. Eeeeew. I just can’t even think about it. Eeeeeeew.)

Really hate ________ (seeing anything in myself that remotely resembles aspects of the things I like least about my mother).